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[Ogami]
If Iris as she is now goes into the city, it'll become a disaster!
----
[Sakura]
It kind of already IS a disaster, Ogami-san. She's already leaving a huge trail of destruction behind her as she's walking, and--
[Ogami]
Yeah, I know, but I mean-- what'll happen when Iris reaches whatever destination she has in mind?
[Sakura]
... free fish and chips for everyone in sight?
[Ogami]
We can only hope, Sakura-kun.
[Sakura]
... and maybe Hell will see a record low of 30 degrees Fahrenheit. More importantly, what the hell happened, Ogami-san?
[Ogami]
Well, that's the thing... all I did was screw up a date with a ten-year-old girl, and refused to kiss her when--
[Sakura]
... kiss?
[Ogami]
Like I said, I mean I didn't actually LET her--
[Sakura]
KISS!?
[Ogami]
DON'T GO STALKER-Y ON ME NOW, SOLDIER!! Calm down! Think happy thoughts! Think happy--
[Sakura]
KIIIIIIISSSSSSSS!?
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[Ogami]
Anyways, let's go down to the command room!
----
[Sakura]
KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII--
[Ogami]
Gah! Stop chasing me! AT LEAST LET ME CHANGE INTO MY BATTLE UNIFORM IN PEACE!!
-----
Minutes for the meeting of the Imperial Assault Force, Flower Division, Ginza Main Branch, on The Defense Of Japan Against Whatever The Hell It Is Iris Chateaubriand Wishes To Unleash Upon Its Unsuspecting Citizens.
Convened on July 6th, 1923, at Approximately 9 am.
Those Present:
- Lt. General Ikki Yoneda, the type of man who would be the crazy uncle of the family.
- Ensign Ichiro Ogami, everyone's favorite spiky-haired, bath-peeping punching bag.
- Sakura Shinguji, full of passion! A little TOO much, if you ask me.
- Sumire Kanzaki. Sure, she's got style, but I don't know what else Tsubaki sees in her...
- Maria Tachibana, who has even more style. Also Tsubaki's OTP.
- Deputy Commander Ayame Fujieda leads,
- Kohran Ri does machines (that's a fact, Jack!)
- Kanna Kirishima is cool but rude (gimme a break!)
- Kasumi Fujii is a party dude (PARTY!)*
- Tsubaki Takamura, she who will one day fill Sakura's
- Yuri Sakakibara (i.e. the one who lost the Rock-Paper-Scissor match to determine who would be writing everything down).
*Disclaimer: As you can probably tell, I'm not getting paid to write this.
Proceedings:
Ayame wondered out loud where Ogami and Sakura had gotten off to. The two people in question tumbled into the room; Ogami was shielding himself as best he could while Sakura was beating him repeatedly upside the head with her fists.
Kanna and Kohran immediately placed their bets: 60 sen was riding on Ogami suddenly snapping and roundhouse-punching Sakura, as it was always the quiet ones.
Ayame called the meeting to order. Ogami curled up in the corner and began whimpering about the world's proximity to the end, with Sakura still punching his shoulders in a terrifying rage; Kanna sighed and grudgingly paid Kohran 60 sen.
Then Ayame called the meeting to order again. Sumire loudly denounced Kanna's reasoning capabilities, citing that the Ensign was too much of a, quote, 'spineless twerp to roundhouse punch Sakura', end quote, to which Kanna retorted that he should at least have enough left in him to kick Sakura in the rocks, to which Sumire retorted, quote, 'WHAT rocks, you fool, she does not HAVE any, she is a WOMAN,' end quote, to which Kanna retorted, quote, 'small details like that don't really matter 's long as you kick 'im hard enough!'
Ayame called the meeting to order yet again. Sumire placed fifty yen on Sakura breaking one of Ogami's limbs. Ogami began crying tears of blood as he curled up in a fetal position, whimpering about how Iris was going to kill them all.
Maria fired her Enfield Mk I Revolver into the ceiling. The meeting came to order.
[Ayame]
She launched in the new unit that had just been delivered to us from the Flower Mansion.
[Maria]
Commander... where in the world has Iris gone?
[Yoneda]
It seems that she was heading in the direction of Asakura. Look at this.
Manager Yoneda signaled to Kasumi, who turned her steam computer's monitor for all to see.
----
[Maria]
... it's the Imperial Assault Force's logo. That's wonderful, sir.
[Yoneda]
Why isn't the display ready yet?
[Kasumi]
I'm sorry, sir, but someone had been using these military-grade computers for enough wanton online shopping that they have apparently become bogged down with steam-powered spam, steam-powered advertisements of a pornographic nature, and steam-powered trojan horses. We're doing our best to work around the lag, sir.
[Ayame]
... WELL now. Only Lt. General Yoneda and I have the clearance necessary to even USE these computers outside normal hours. Would you happen to know anything about these online shopping sprees, sir?
[Yoneda]
Ah... ahaha! We don't have time to deal with that NOW, 'cause willya lookit that, the display's comin' on!
----
Everyone in the room stared at the monitor. Iris and her Koubu were standing in the middle of Asakusa, which she had already trashed in the space of less than three minutes.
Five seconds later, everyone spoke up at once. Chaos and panic ensued.
[Sakura]
I... Iris!?
[Kohran]
Even though it's her first time, she's able t' move the Koubu to THAT extent! Wh, what power!
----
[Ogami]
Yes! We have to go and--
[Ogami]
... wait, isn't anyone worried about the civilians?
[Kohran]
What, then? They're jes' statistics, Ogami-han!
[Sakura]
Yes! One of our own is out there, all alone! We have to save her!
[Sumire]
Save her from WHAT, may I ask? From herself? She looks capable enough to toss our Koubu around like children's toys!
[Kohran]
Not with the upgrades an' performance tweaks that I've packed into our Koubu! It's somethin' that'll boost our output capabilities by a whole three percent! With that, all of us put together should have no problem stoppin' Iris!
[Maria]
... out of curiosity, how much would those upgrades boost Iris's output capability?
[Kohran]
A whoppin' twenty percent o' what we'd originally expected, but it's not like she has access to those upgr--
[Maria]
Kohran... you installed those upgrades into Iris's Koubu, too. Just this morning. Don't you remember?
[Kohran]
... oh, SHIT.
----
[Yoneda]
Launch to Asakura as quickly as possible and bring Iris back. We're counting on you, everyone!
And then holy shit there were SIRENS--
----
(We regret to inform you that the sudden blaring of the sirens has caused Yuri to spill coffee on her keyboard, bringing a premature end to her transcription of the meeting's minutes.
We will now return to the view of the world as seen through Ogami's point of view.)
----
----
[Kohran]
... it's a computer, you idjit.
[Sumire]
Ah, yes, very funny, ha ha ha, you know exactly what I meant.
----
[Ayame]
Commander!
[Yoneda]
Ayame-kun! What's going on all of a sudden?
[Ayame]
We're receiving reports of the Hive of Darkness's demon-driven mechanical soldiers appearing in Asakura!
[Sakura]
Wh, what did you say!
[Kanna]
Dammit! At a time like this!
----
[Sakura]
They'll have to go back home now, because Iris already did their job for them.
[Kanna]
Yeah. Can't imagine how much that'd suck for them, y'know? It's just not cool to steal peoples' gigs like that.
----
[Maria]
Once we recover Iris, we will defeat the Hive of Darkness.
----
[Maria]
As a bonus, we can pin all of Iris's destruction on the Hive of Darkness. We won't even need to cover anything up.
[Ogami]
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!?
----
[Ogami]
Yessir!
----
[Ogami]
(I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die....)
[Ogami]
(Man I hope Iris isn't going to slaughter us all, man I hope Iris isn't going to slaughter us all, man I hope Iris isn't going to slaughter us all, man I hope Iris isn't going to slaughter us all....)
[Ogami]
(I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away I mustn't run away....)
----
[Ayame]
... wait, Ogami-kun.
----
[Ogami]
I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIIIIEEEEEEEE-----!!
[Ayame]
... looks like I got to you just in time.
----
[Ayame]
Ogami-kun, you know very well... the reason why Iris ran off...
[Ogami]
.....
----
[Ayame]
... and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself for turning down a ten-year-old girl's frighteningly serious romantic advances.
[Ogami]
... permission to speak freely, ma'am?
[Ayame]
Only if you'll give me permission to firebomb the whole of Asakusa while you and your team are in the middle of tangling with Iris.
[Ogami]
Nevermind, ma'am.
----
[Ayame]
Now, Ogami. What do you think is the best part of Iris?
[Ogami]
Eh...?
[Ayame]
Her cheerfulness, her innocence... that pure honesty that lets her speak her mind when she likes something...
Don't you think that that "childishness" is her best part?
That's why she does not need to force herself to grow up, or to try and act like an adult...
Ogami-kun... please tell that to Iris.
The only one who can teach her that, Ogami-kun.... is you.
----
[Ogami]
... WHY ME!?
[Ayame]
Because you're the closest thing she's ever had to an actual friend throughout the past ten years of her horribly depressing little life!!
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
... is there something about Iris's past that you should be telling us?
[Ayame]
Ha ha ha! No, Ogami-kun, the last time I let slip the details of someone's past, I almost got my name tattooed in my organs with a series of bullets. You're digging on your own this time.
[Ogami]
SON of a BITCH.
[Ayame]
What was that?
[Ogami]
Son of a bitch, MA'AM.
[Ayame]
That's more like it. Now get to dying, you young and handsome thing you.
----
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[Ogami]
Like I keep saying, WHAT ABOUT SAVING THE REST OF JAPAN!?
[Sakura]
Ogami-san, Iris is a ten-year-old girl alone in Asakusa! Aren't you at all worried about her?
[Ogami]
She's torn apart Asakusa in her military robot WITH THE POWER OF HER MIND!! Aren't you worried about the casualties or anything like that!?
[Sakura]
I'm sure they'll be able to take care of themselves, Ogami-san! Don't worry!
[Ogami]
But, but--
----
----
[Ogami]
Wait, isn't saving civilians more import--
[Kanna]
Sorry, Captain, can't hear a word you're sayin'! All aboard the pain train!
----
----
[Ogami]
HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HEY!!
----
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