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----
Needless to say, it came as a pleasant surprise to Ogami that he woke up the next morning 1) in his own body- a recognizably human body- 2) with all of his limbs intact, and 3) on this Earth rather than in some kind of chaotic scientifically unproven plane of existence.
Hell, on a morning like this, Ogami began feeling quite optimistic about his chances of survival!
Perhaps a little TOO optimistic.
So it was with a relatively heart that Ichiro Ogami rapped his knuckles against the door to Iris's room.
[Ogami]
... Iris. It's me.
[Iris]
........!
[Ogami]
Won't you listen to what I have to say?
[Iris]
........
Ogami thought fast. He had only one chance to get Iris's attention, and to break through her immature anger, her maidenly indignation, and her callous disregard for human life that allowed her to be fueled by the broken dreams of teary-eyed children wracked by despair.
Thus, Ogami made the second-worst decision of his life.
He invited a ten-year-old girl out on a date.
[Ogami]
Iris... will you be free next Sunday? Let's do the date over again.
[Iris]
No!
[Ogami]
... why?
[Iris]
Because... even if I go out with you, Oniichan, we can't even walk arm in arm...
And because Iris is just a kid, it won't be any fun.
[Ogami]
That's not true at all, Iris.
----
[Ogami]
I know that I'll have lots of fun teasing you relentlessly about your midget-like height, and watching as your insecurities about growing up eventually develop into a set of full-fledged complexes when you hit your adolescent years!
[Iris]
What!? I don't--
[Ogami]
Eh, what the hell, it's never too soon to get started. YOU'RE A CHUBBY MIDGET WITH A FLAT CHEST AND NO FRIENDS!
[Iris]
STOP IT!! I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE!
[Ogami]
WELL, I--
[Ogami]
... SHIT, she's got me there.
[Ogami]
Big sis always DID like Shinjiro better.
----
[Iris]
That's a lie!
[Ogami]
It's not a lie, Iris!
Iris nearly tore the door off its hinges as she wrenched it open with the power of her mind.
Stuck in the detached state of mind that people get when they realize that death is staring them in the face, Ogami couldn't help but notice that molten bits of doorknob were dribbling onto the floor, and that the door frame splintered visibly as Iris passed through it.
Iris herself, however, looked just fine. She opened her mouth and brought the guillotine swinging down towards Ogami's neck.
[Ogami]
Eh...?
And then there was no time to act, or even to think.
Iris lunged, her deceptively light body slamming into the ticket-taker with enough strength to knock him over.
[Ogami]
K, kiss!?
Ogami struggled to push Iris off of his body and get up, but an invisible hand slammed him back down with punishing force, holding him in place with ridiculous ease. So much power...
My God, Ogami thought. Do Manager Yoneda and Ayame-san REALIZE what they're keeping here at the theater? Was this a gamble they were willing to take...?
[Iris]
Hurry up!
Iris's voice snapped Ogami back into the present, and his eyes focused on her blushing, expectant face, scarce inches from his own. No. Ogami stared in disbelief, his throat suddenly dry. She couldn't actually be expecting me to--
She was.
[Ogami]
(What should I do...)
Ogami was faced with the most terrible decision in his life. For the love of all things good and holy, he couldn't kiss a ten-year old girl- first and foremost, Ogami wasn't a loliphile, insomuch as anyone could actually dredge up PROOF that he was, theoretically, as a proud supporter of mountains as he was of delicious flat ch molehills, but that's only theoretically speaking, of course.
Of course, he might have been a bit sweeter on Iris than was appropriate during their very first meeting, but seriously, that's just been run into the ground by now, as far as Ogami was concerned, and he was CERTAIN that he could formulate a better defense of his actions if questioned once again by the likes of Maria or--
A few deep, calming breaths later, Ogami dragged his mind back into the present. More importantly, he could just guess what would happen if any of his co-workers found out about this... this horrible little incident, and though their respective methods would certainly be DIFFERENT, Ogami would still end up dead by the end of the day, if not earlier, and--
-- and besides, Ogami considered himself a romantic, and stuck to a certain code of conduct when dealing with those psychotic madwomen the fairer sex. While his BODY certainly had a tendency to drag itself towards the baths for a peek at those mysteriously attractive body parts unique to women, Ogami still believed that there were simply some things that people shouldn't DO--
-- like give away his first kiss to a girl-thing woman (?) that he didn't love.
[Ogami]
Wh... what's wrong, Iris!?
[Iris]
Iris can read Oniichan's heart...
[Ogami]
I-Iris...
[Iris]
You liar!
----
[Iris]
Liar! Liar! LIAR! LIAR!!
[Ogami]
Iris? Wait, hold on, calm down, can't we talk this ov--
[Iris]
LIAR!!
The psychic grip on Ogami's body tightened, and he finally realized that Iris was pulling him towards her face. No matter how much he struggled, Ogami was only human- something that Iris no longer had to worry about. With a jolt, he realized that she was planning to get her kiss from him, no matter what.
[Ogami]
(Damn... isn't there anything else that I can do? Isn't there any way to escape!? Isn't there--)
Ogami looked into Iris's eyes.
[Ogami]
(... /(^o^)\ it's over.)
Ogami stopped struggling, and hung his head in defeat--
-- causing Iris to overbalance her psychic grip on Ogami's head, which forced him downwards--
-- which brought his face level with the inert object that was, as usual, being held in Iris's lap--
[Iris]
!
[Ogami]
Mmph!?
[Jean-Paul]
!
[Iris]
... Oniichan... you... you would rather...
[Iris]
... kiss Jean-Paul... than... me...!?
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
Can I plead the fifth?
[Iris]
Oniichan, you IDIOT!! I'll show you!! I'LL SHOW YOU...!!
----
[Ogami]
..........
[Ogami]
... she left.
Ogami heaved a sigh. Well, once again, Iris has run off to some corner of the theater to sulk, and it would once again be up to Ogami to go and try to convince her that everyone DIDN'T hate her, and that it is perfectly natural for him to NOT want to kiss a ten-year-old gir--
(... RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE...)
[Ogami]
... ! Wh, what!?
[Sakura]
Ogami-saaaaan!!
[Ogami]
Sakura-kun! What... what's going on!?
[Ogami]
Wh... what did you say!?
Ogami's mind raced. Wasn't that impossible!? Even with her teleportation powers, Iris-- "innocent", war-hating Iris-- COULDN'T have gone so far as to hijack a Koubu and tear off into the city! It must have been some mistake, some--
By chance, he glanced out the window, and stared in horror at the horizon in the direction of the city.
That was when Ichiro Ogami realized that he had just fucked over Japan.
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