Sakura Wars - . . .

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[Ogami]

Hm? ... somehow, it smells kind of sweet in here...

And in approximately ten thousand, two hundred and ninety-three-point-one universes, this was the end of Ichiro Ogami, as Sakura Shinguji was inside the kitchen, disposing of her erstwhile competitors the only way she knows how. Ogami, being both the sole witness and the object of Sakura's unhealthy desires, doesn't survive.

Five thousand, nine hundred and three universes see Kohran in Sakura's place, reanimating Sakura's remains into some kind of Frankenstein's Monster that promptly goes berserk, abducts Ogami, and runs away with him into the mountains; twelve hundred and sixty-three universes have Maria Tachibana 'mistaking' Ogami as an intruder and shooting him mostly to death; five hundred and twelve universes see Kanna Kirishima accidentally pulping Ogami's skull between her huge muscles and/or huge guts, and an equal number of universes see Sumire Kanzaki baking Ogami a quiche to die for.

In the remaining universes, Ogami trips over his shoelaces and dies from the shock, by some freakish coincidence. But hey, that's life.

Here, all WE get is Kasumi doing random things in the kitchen.

[Ogami]

No... it's just that there's this sweet smell, so...

[Ogami]

... iced candies?

[Kasumi]

I was thinking that we could give it to the children who come to see our performances.

[Ogami]

I see...

----
[Ogami]

So... should I praise you for staying in the kitchen, or punish you for daring to think outside the box?

[Kasumi]

. . .

[Kasumi]

Perhaps if you resisted the urge to act like a pompous pig and instead complimented me for actually using my brain, rather than allowing me to fester in that cramped little secretarial office, devising more and more inventive ways to kill my co-workers and make it look like an accident?
----

[Ogami]

That's a good idea. I'm sure it'll make everyone happy.

[Kasumi]

I would actually love to give them out to all of our guests, but...
But I won't be able to make nearly enough in one night, so...

----
[Ogami]

You're actually just going to give them out for free?

[Kasumi]

Why, of course! How ELSE will we get the maximum number of customers addicted to the secret ingredient that has been inserted into these frozen treats?

[Ogami]

... well, that WOULD explain that OTHER smell.
----

[Kasumi]

Ogami-san, I've still got... secretarial work to do as well. ... please excuse me.

[Ogami]

Kasumi-kun... she's just all sorts of busy. But... she's really helpful, huh.

I GUESS if you can call making free candy "helpful"...

It is but a short trek over from the kitchen to the shop!

[Ogami]

Yeah. But I guess there'll be no problem if we just leave you in charge of the shop, Tsubaki-chan.

Of course, one of these days, it's going to occur to Tsubaki that there won't be any customers at the shop AFTER the theater closes for the night.

Ogami fervently hopes that this won't occur for another five weeks, because he's got good money riding on that bet.

[Tsubaki]

Now then, time to get back to work! Ogami-san, would you like to buy a bromide?
Right now, we've got everyone's bromides lined up here!!

[Ogami]

Ha ha ha... let's see...

[Ogami]

In that case... sure, I'll buy a bromide.

[Tsubaki]

Please wait until another day, so that we can have enough left for our customers.

----
[Ogami]

_{... you're a goddamn liar, Tsubaki.}

[Tsubaki]

I'm sorry! It's just that I've gotten so used to SAYING that every time I step behind this would you like to buy a bromide Ogami-san?

[Ogami]

Um. Why don't we just change the subject? Preferably to a topic that won't frighten me witless.

[Tsubaki]

Anything but bromides would you like a bromide please for the love of all things good and holy.
----

[Tsubaki]

That's right, Ogami-san. I... got a marriage proposal!

----
[Ogami]

... b-but you're only fifteen yea--

[Ogami]

HOW in the WORLD did you think that this WOULDN'T frighten me!?

[Tsubaki]

Well, I mean... half of YOUR co-workers are underage, aren't they? I thought you'd be used to--

[Ogami]

THEY ARE NOT UNDERAGE. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR IRIS IS EIGHTEEN.

[Tsubaki]

But... but they AREN'T eighteen? Sumire-san is only sixteen, for examp--

[Ogami]

CEASE YOUR HORRIBLE LITTLE LIES, THE LIES THAT I WILL NEVER BELIEVE.

[Tsubaki]

We have the documents in the secretarial office that can PROVE that--

[Ogami]

LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENIIIIIIIIING.

[Tsubaki]

... fine, fine, I won't deprive you of your psyche-sheltering denials.
----

[Ogami]

A proposal!? Eh... wh, what in the world do you mean?

[Tsubaki]

He even gave me an engagement ring. Eheheheheh!

[Ogami]

Tsu... Tsubaki-chan...

----
[Ogami]

(Okay, let's think rationally about this: we're talking about a man who frequents the theater quite often, buys bromides on a regular basis, and has taken a liking to the cute little girl at the gift stand...)
----

----
[Ogami]

(But how does this man have so much time to spend, or money to burn? And why does he choose to burn it all on pictures of nubile young women!? It's got to be a creepy old man or a fat obese millionaire who's trying to build his own harem-- no, wait, back up a few steps, why would he take a liking to TSUBAKI when faced with women like Sumire or Maria? All Tsubaki has going for her is her young-ish looks and her innocent demeanor--
----

----
[Ogami]

_{Good lord, he must be a pedophile of some sort, or a prince of the porn industry who's here to lure Tsubaki away into a life of, of, of doing ADULT THINGS, like staying up all night and eating candy, except by 'eating candy' I mean 'things that are unfit to be printed,' in which case someone should call the cops and arrest this guy but wait we wouldn't get anyone like THAT in the theater without us knowing BUT HOLY SHIT if he was really good at acting like a normal run-of-the-mill gentleman he could've charmed the pants off Tsubaki figuratively speaking because I don't think she wears pants but I'm not too sure I've never seen her NOT standing behind something but enough of that if it's a creepy old man that's just scary because he'll be living in a mansion on the top of the hill where he could wink wink nudge nudge Tsubaki all day and no one would hear her scream but that's assuming that he's old and creepy but if he's just a fat slob living in his mother's basement that's just scarier I mean Tsubaki would be consigned to a life of suckitude until she snaps and jams a kitchen knife down his throat but oh god she'd go to jail so early and that's just terrible--}
----

[Ogami]

........

[Ogami]

I... I just don't know what I should say in a situation like this...
If it truly makes you happy, then it's wonderful that you're getting engaged, but... but I honestly can't be happy for you...

----
[Ogami]

... but please... once you hit it big in the porn industry, Tsubaki, please don't forget to write back to your friends in the theater...

[Tsubaki]

Aww, how swee-

[Tsubaki]

... wait.
----

[Tsubaki]

Um... I'm sorry. When I said that someone proposed to me, I didn't mention that he was three years old...
You know... kids are always precocious at that age, and they suddenly say things like "marry me"...
So... I was really...

[Ogami]

So that's how it was... whew... thank goodness. That really surprised the heck out of me.

----
[Ogami]

... so that means YOU'RE the loliphile.

[Tsubaki]

I don't think I like talking to you anymore, Ogami-san.
----

[Tsubaki]

Eheheheh... somehow, that makes me happy.

[Ogami]

That's true, isn't it.

[Ogami]

Eek!?

As if the poor bastard didn't have enough to worry about.

This is, of course, Ogami's cue to flee.

This is the law of the Flower Division:

All promises made must be kept. Which, in turn, means--

[Ogami]

.... wait, those are Maria's clothes. Which, which means...

[Ogami]

Maria's going to be inside...

-- a Get-Into-The-Baths-Free card.

[Ogami]

Argh... my body's moving on its own, towards the baths...

KER-COLDCOCK

----

----
[Ogami]

But... but you... promised... me...

[Maria]

I said I'd let you look at me in the bath... but I never promised that I wouldn't harm you.

[Ogami]

You're... a... dick...

[Maria]

... and you're already dead.
----

Some time later, Ogami comes back into the land of the living, sprawled on the floor. Gradually, he realized that he wasn't alo--

[Ogami]

(Gasp... M, Maria's only wearing a towel!!)

... okay, so he INSTANTANEOUSLY realized that he wasn't alone.

----
[Ogami]

(Ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy--)
----

----
[Ogami]

(-- ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy--)
----

----
[Ogami]

(-- ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyoh--)

[Ogami]

...
----

----
[Ogami]

You're... you're not seriously going to shoot me, are you? I-I mean, I'm the main character! I'll come back stronger than ever before if you kill me!!

[Maria]

... you're right. I can't shoot you to death.

[Ogami]

Thank goodness. Now, how about we just... put the gun down, and talk like ratio--

[Ogami]

-- AAIIIIIIEEEEAAAAAAHHH MY EAR YOU SHOT MY EAR OH GOD--

[Maria]

I can't shoot you to death, but I can shoot you until you WISH that you were dead.
----

[Ogami]

(I, I guess I should be down on my hands and knees, apologizing like mad...)

[Ogami]

I'm sorry, Maria! As impulsive as it was, I've done something horrible!!

[Maria]

This is not something that can be satisfied by just apologizing!

----
[Ogami]

Y-you already shot me in the EAR, what more do you ne--

[Ogami]

_{YES! YES! FINE! WHATEVER YOU SAY!!}
----

[Maria]

If you are doing something like this, then it is impossible to trust you as a captain.

[Ogami]

Maria, I'm so sorry...

...

..

.

[Ogami]

Yes... I will reflect on what I've done...

[Maria]

Now then, please excuse me here.

[Ogami]

It's already this late, huh. Can't be helped, I guess I should stop here and go to bed.

It took Ogami a little longer than he'd expected to get back up to his room.

It's hard to describe using just screenshots, but...

... the poor bastard made sure to minimize the blood trail leading to his room, stopping every half foot to clean up behind him and to redo the bandages on both his ears.

----

----
[Ogami]

I mean, gosh, I certainly HOPE that she doesn't start having any freakish, feverish delusions about our relationship, or about reality in general.

[Ogami]

Because I mean, god knows that it's going to be hard enough to deal with her ALREADY...
----

...

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