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Well, let's hit the baseme-
MY BODY
I-IT'S MOVING ON ITS OWN
TOWARDS THE BATHS
If anyone asks, we'll just call it a routine maintenence check or something. Let's see now-
[Ogami]
Nn.... Kohran?
[Ogami]
It's coming from inside the baths!! Something's happened!
What? REALLY? Astounding!
Same difference. Just get to it!
[Ogami]
Kohran, I'm coming to save you!!
Have you ever wondered how much time Ogami could save if he didn't bother narrating this kind of stuff beforehand? Like, doing away with the whole "Oh, I'm standing in front of X's room" and "I wonder if X is in?" stuff ALONE could totally save hours and hours of time.
Anyways, it's time to go see Kohran nake-
Shit. Kohran's mad dabbling in the inner workings of the universe have transformed her into some kind of sudsy, bubbly monstrosity.
[Kohran]
Ah, Ogami-han... my "Mr. Laundry" machine's gone berserk...
There's gotta be a switch somewhere on Mr. Laundry"- please, jes' find it an' stop him...
[Ogami]
I got it! I'll get you out of there soon, Kohran!!
(First... I've got to do something about all these bubbles... there's nothing for it, I've got to clear them by hand!)
Kohran may or may not be somewhere in that pile of suds. Furthermore, she is either clothed in some manner, or completely naked. It is entirely possible that until we clear out the suds, Kohran is existing in both states at once: clothed and naked at the same time.
... good lord, it's like some dating sim version of Schrodinger's Cat. Or, since there are actual boobs involved.... Schrodinger's Puppies.
Well, better get moving before people start suffocatin' to death. And by 'people', I mean 'Ogami.' Shifting over to the right...
The... the machine is right in front of you.
[Ogami]
If I don't hurry up and stop the machine, it'll become a big mess.
The... the switch is ALSO right in front of you.
[Kohran]
Ogami-han, it's right over there! Do yer best, jes' look fer the switch that'll get rid of all these bubbles...
[Ogami]
Right, I got it. I'll do my best!
Right, clearing away a little more gets you th-
No, no it's not, it's SWIPER THE FOX!!! 
YES IT IS YOU MORON JUST HIT THE DAMN SWITCH ALREADY. 
[Kohran]
Didja find it?! If ya see a strange button, that's the right switch!
How... utterly unhelpful.
----
[Ogami]
Alright, you know what? Forget this, I'm out of here. Good luck escaping, Kohra-
[Ogami]
... Kohran, what's that pressed up against my back?
[Kohran]
Oh, I jes' brought my good ol' rape machine down from my room fer a tunin'! It's voice-activated now.
[Ogami]
R... really.
[Kohran]
Well, yeah! I mean, all I gotta do is say th' magic words, an' it'll start right up again! Jes' a quick "every nook and--"
[Ogami]
OKAY, OKAY, I AM PRESSING THE BUTTON NOW.
----
[Ogami]
In that case, this is it... I've got to hit the off-switch!
The bottom switch. The top switch will probably flood the entire theater and destroy most of Ginza in a bubbly, cleansing tsunami of suds.
[Ogami]
Kohran! I'm pressing the switch now!
[Kohran]
I'm countin' on ya, Ogami-han!!
[Ogami]
Alright! This should end it!!
[Kohran]
I'd rather not get drowned by somethin' like a wave of bubbles. I gotta hurry and turn off th' steam-power an-
Well, there go the suds.
[Ogami]
Ah......
I've said it once, and I'll probably keep saying it until I run out of Sakura Wars games to LP, but... god, I love that expression. "I CAAAAAAAAAME BUCKETS!!" 
So... the cat WAS alive inside Schrodinger's damn box. Marvelous!
'Course, we all know how this's going to end:
[Kohran]
Kyaaaaaa!! Ogami-han, ya pervert----!!
Predictably...
----
... and violently.
No, this is not a CENSORED screen.
Yes. I'm SURE you're sorry for the chance to deal yet more physical damage to our poor, befuddled protagonist.
[Ogami]
No, it's alright. Just as long as you're unharmed, Kohran.
[Kohran]
Here now... I gotta go. Mr. Laundry's busted up, so...
You're going to FIX that vicious murderer of a laundry machine?! 
[Kohran]
Seeya, Ogami-han. Thanks a lot fer today.
Seriously, nothing happened in the baths. At all.
And with that, Kohran takes her leave. Ogami does, as well!
Weeeeeell, I think Ogami could use a nice, cold shower quick dip in the pool to cool himself off.
... oh, gently carress. But hey, this is good enough compensation for Ogami's--
[Ogami]
Alright, let's get started!
Aaaaand we've just witnessed the fastest clothes-changing sequence in the history of mankind.
----
Oh. Good. It's... it's just a speedo.
... no wonder Sumire's doing her best to look off to the side.
[Ogami]
Let's start by practicing butterfly kicks again today.
[Sumire]
Then, Ensign, please be sure to support me firmly.
[Ogami]
I got it. In that case...
...
He looks so eager. 
But alas, common sense must prevail here.
[Ogami]
Here, I'll hold your arms.
[Sumire]
Thank you very much, Ensign. As expected, it was right of me to rely on you.
It's not like no one else in the theater WOULDN'T be smart enough to help hold your arms while you practice how to kick.
... except, perhaps, for Kohran, who might... well, you know.
[Ogami]
Right, you're doing well! That's right... feel that movement from your thighs...
...
[Sumire]
Yes, Ensign!
Time passes.
[Ogami]
There's no need to be impatient. You've definitely improved, even if only by a little bit.
[Sumire]
Ensign, I'll leave it up to you for the next time, as well. I shall be waiting at the pool once more.
[Ogami]
Aah, I got it. Let's do our best next time too.
[Sumire]
Now then, Ensign, I shall excuse myself here.
And that's that. Now, for a journey to the second floor, where one major thing has changed:
... Ogami has a new next-door neighbor.
The only possible next-door neighbor who can give Ogami a run for his money in the pimping department. The only woman in the theater with enough raw sex appeal to turn Ogami into a drooling, stuttering mess. The one, the only, the finger blowjob woman...
... Ayame Fujieda.
[Ayame]
Oh my, if it isn't Ogami-kun. As we'll be neighbors from here on out... my best regards.
Little does Ayame know that Ogami's already drilled a number of peepholes into her room. 
[Ayame]
... come to think of it, this is the first time we've formally spoken, right, Ogami-kun?
[Ayame]
There are quite a few things that I would like to know about you, Ogami-kun, so... shall we talk for a little while?
----
[Ogami]
Yes, let's.
[Ayame]
... while I have to commend you for the sheer SPEED with which you got naked, Ogami-kun.... I'm afraid that that's not really what I meant.
[Ogami]
Awwwwww.
[Ayame]
Wha- and you're clothed again. My god, how DO you do it?
[Ogami]
I... I'm not really sure. I think it might be a defense mechanism I've picked up from living in close proximity with Stalkura and Kohrape for so long.
----
[Ogami]
Ah... yes.
Well, now we won't have to bug Maria for an analysis of our fighting style.
[Ogami]
In that case, could I hear your thoughts regarding our last battle, Ayame-san?
[Ayame]
Diligent as always, Ogami-kun. Hmm... alright. Let's see...
Warning: massive walls of dialogue ahead, etc.
[Ayame]
In the last fight, you were able to safely protect Imperial Capital Tower from harm.
If there had been just a little bit more damage to it, the Imperial Capital's lines of communications would have suffered a great deal of damage.
As the brigade's captain, Ogami-kun, your command was quite admirable. Do your best to keep up this good work, okay?
Hey, Ogami's got to be good at SOMETHING, to make up for him being a gigantic dork. 
[Ogami]
... y, yes! Thank you very much!
[Ayame]
Hmmm.... that's all for the battle's results. Now, about the damage taken...
Well, what little damage the Flower Division took was nigh-insignificant. Very good work, Ogami-kun.
This means that your level of concern for your group members and your judgement were both correct.
... I love how she glosses over the hideous amount of damage that Maria took AND how I'd rendered Sumire almost completely useless.
I guess she's just afraid to try and pin anything on Ogami, though, what with the fact that she'd nearly blown my entire fucking brigade to Atlantis with that little aerial bombardment thing of hers.
[Ogami]
... y, yes! Thank you very much!
[Ayame]
Because much of Shiba Park was on elevated terrain, your movement was restricted, but...
You handled Kohran's first sortie well, and I believe that the directions you gave to the brigade members were also correct.
Man oh man, the good news just doesn't stop coming, does it?
[Ayame]
Aah, come to think of it....
Ogami-kun.... it's about Iris.
...
[Ogami]
About Iris... you say?
[Ayame]
You know... Iris is really still just a child.
...
Wait, why's she telling me this?!
O-oh god. Oh god no.
She thinks I'm-- good GOD. No. That's... that's such a horrible thought--
She's probably already called the... no. No. NO. It's over. LOVE IS OVER. EVERYTHING IS OVER. EVERYTHING--
AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHSLKJDFKLJALJSFL
YOU'LL NEVER PUT ME BEHIND BARS!!
...........
.......
....
..
.
[Ogami]
I... know that.
[Ayame]
Oh.... really?
YES, REALLY. SHE'S FREAKIN' NINE YEARS OLD AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT SHE KEEPS HITTING ON ME. NOW STOP INSINUATING THAT I'D--
[Ayame]
Ogami-kun, you've never raised a child before, correct?
... buh?
[Ogami]
Th, that's correct!
Come to think of it, why's Ogami so defensive and nervous...? I mean, it's not like he'd--
----
----
... oh. Right.
[Ayame]
Children are.... well, Ogami-kun, they can be really perceptive about the most unexpected of things.
[Ogami]
..... is that so?
I have no goddamn clue what you're trying to get at, woman. Did you call the party van, or did you not?
[Ayame]
.... Ogami-kun. You might be at a loss with what to do about that child, but...
Oh, no, I'm not at a loss at all. I know for a fact that I intend to avoid her for as long as humanly possible.
[Ayame]
Whenever you come in contact with her, please don't forget that you were once a child as well, long ago... alright?
... man. Just think about all the awesome advice I could have been getting right now if I'd had Maria or Sumire or Kohran as my top girl.
[Ogami]
Hah... I understand.
Thankfully, we can now drop that particular conversation.
[Ayame]
.... have you become used to the Ginza base?
Wha? OH, you're talking about the theater, aren't you.
[Ogami]
(Huh...? On Ayame's collar, those are...)
[Ogami]
(... a first lieutenant's rank insignia! That's right, I wonder why haven't I noticed that until now?)
Probably because you've been fantasizing about her sucking on your finger, and because you've been staring at her breasts this entire fucking time?
Okay, granted, we've ALL been staring at her breasts the entire time because of how the dialogue window's placed, but that's besides the point.
[Ayame]
... Ogami-kun?
[Ogami]
.... y, yes, Vice Commander Fujieda?
That's right... so this room has been the vice commander's room this whole time, hasn't it.
[Ayame]
Fufufu, it doesn't sound right if you call me 'vice commander.' "Ayame-san" is just fine, Ogami-kun.
[Ogami]
H... haah.
[Ayame]
So, Ogami-kun. ... how is it here at the Ginza base? Can you give me your honest impressions?
[Ogami]
Uh..... um....
You don't get much more honest than THIS.
[Ogami]
Being a ticket taker's hard work... it feels like working at the theater's my true occupation....
[Ayame]
*chuckle*..... Ogami-kun, you say some fairly amusing things, don't you.
Well, this IS a theater, so it may be true that working for the stage will keep you busier than actually fighting.
... I knew it. I've been gypped. 
[Ayame]
Ah.... right, right, I'm supposed to be writing a collection of reports to send to Lieutenant General Yoneda, so...
[Ogami]
.... a collection of reports?
[Ayame]
Yes, we've been collecting and filing an assortment of information regarding those of you in the Flower Division.
This is an important aspect of my work.
[Ogami]
.... is that so.
[Ayame]
What we've just been talking about... I'll also be making a very accurate report on it.
[Ogami]
Ah... y, yes. Best of luck with that.
That said, Ogami fled the room with almost indecent haste.
NEXT TIME:
... SON OF A BITCH.
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