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Short update!
When we last left our hero:
YOU COULD CUT THE EXCITEMENT WITH A CHAINSAW. GRIPPING STUFF!
However, I lied. The nighttime patrols aren't quite over yet.
KNOCK KNOCK.
[Sakura]
Ogami-san.... might you still be up?
[Ogami]
Aah, I'm awake. I was just thinking about going to sleep.....
[Sakura]
I see.... um.... could you please come out for a moment?
She's come to FINISH HIM OFF.
[Ogami]
Hm? What's up?
[Sakura]
There's something I would like to invite you to do, if you'd like. Er... and it won't take too long, so...
The plot thickens. 
First Kohran, then Sumire, and now Sakura...?
[Ogami]
.... I understand. I'm coming.
Why the salon?
Well, nevermind, I GUESS this could get kinky.
I. The what now?
[Ogami]
Koi Koi?
Thankfully, the eternally baffled protagonist is once again here to represent ALL of our confused stares.
[Sakura]
It's a card game that uses hanafuda- floral playing cards. Kohran has been teaching it to everyone here.
So Kohran taught four pilots how to play a card game, along with the three theater girls and Yoneda... how'd she fit all that in between checking on the Koubu and molesting Ogami?
[Sakura]
So we'd also love it if you participated in theis tournament as well, Ogami-san!
Apparently, those who rank the highest will receive some sort of prize from the Manager.
[Ogami]
The Flower Division Koi Koi Tournament, huh... that sounds like fun, I'd love to participate.
----
[Ogami]
It's a small chance, but if the prize consists of actual CLOTHES...
----
Just as long as it doesn't awaken anyone's innate tourneyfaggotry. 
[Ogami]
So... how will this tournament proceed?
[Sakura]
You'll play against one person at a time in this salon.
You're allowed to forfeit a match, but...
If you forfeit or fail to appear, it'll count against you as a loss by default.
Which is what I did the very first time I played this game. 
[Sakura]
Now then... this might be a bit sudden, Ogami-san, but your first opponent is none other than me!
Wait, don't I get any choice in the matter? I never agreed to play your game! 
[Sakura]
.... but before that, Ogami-san, do you actually know how to play Koi Koi?
If you like, I can explain it to you, but...
oh, wait, there's my choice. Tutorials are for losers! And hell, I could never get a grip on how to play the game. As far as I can tell, it's mostly luck-based, too.
[Ogami]
I'll be alright. Let's start the match.
It's time to D-D-D-D-DUEL!!
[Ogami]
Alright... come on!
FUN FACT: the original Sakura Wars had a nifty minigame specific to each character, most of them differing substantially from each other. For instance, Sumire's swimming lesson used to be a "Save Sumire From Drowning In Five Feet Of Water From A Cramped Leg" game, with the added twist that the pool was full of exploding oxygen mines. Hanafuda- this particular card game, I hear?- was Kohran's minigame.
Koi Koi is no substitute. Thus...
---
OPTIONAL VIDEO
Though, hell, this entire section is pretty much optional.
I mean, Sakura's fully voiced, which is cool (and listening to her go 'HAAAAAU!!' and 'EI!' and 'UWAH!' is horridly amusing, at least for me), but... well, it's a card game. Not only do I barely know how to play the game, but I have the vague feeling that there are few things more tedious than watching someone play a video game about someone playing a card game in a foreign language.
Regardless, the video's up for the sake of completeness. If you want to watch Sakura go from playful to determined to happy to flipping out, well, now's your chance.
---
[Sakura]
Sakura Shinguji... here we go!
On the plus side, I really like the BGM. 
The gist of the game, for those morbidly interested: both players start off with eight cards, with the face-up pile in the middle.
[Sakura]
This looks like it'll be a good match!
A player's turn consists of trying to match one card in their hand with a card on the pile (and there's a big list of feasible combos that I can never remember). If you find a match, you take the pair out of play and shift them off to the side.
If you can't find a match, your card is added to the pile in the middle and you gain nothing. Your turn ends by you drawing one card from the deck, which is automatically paired up with a feasible match and also brought to your side- if you're unlucky and there's no match, it's also just added to the pile in the middle.
Then your opponent's turn starts... etc, etc. It's best out of three rounds, and whoever has the most points remaining wins.
... there's really nothing much to cover here. I get horribly unlucky and can't find any good pairs of cards, while Sakura owns me like a red-headed stepchild in the first round.
As far as I can tell, she's got the sheer weight of cards going for her on her side- part of the 'Beasts' combo, 'Tane', and possibly 'Flowers Under The Moon' or something arcane like that.
'Kasu'.
Each major combination of cards is worth a certain number of points; if either player racks up some badass combination of cards, they can either choose to keep the round going in hopes of getting a BETTER combo (the top option, 'Koi Koi!')- which is risky, because the opponent might win during that time- or to simply end the round (the bottom option, 'Ya~meta'- basically something like 'Stopping Here'). If s/he chooses to end the round, the combo's weight in points is deducted from the loser's side- here, Sakura's 'Kasu' combo (which, as far as I can tell, means "assorted odds and ends") is worth a paltry one point.
Needless to say, even though she only deducts one measly point from my total...
Round 1: Sakura Wins.
[Sakura]
Sto~pping here. Ehehe!
.... you don't need to rub it in.
[Sakura]
Somehow, I won.
I'm going first this round.
Etc, etc. I'm going to fly by the rest of this minigame because aside from the characters' reactions, nothing of value is gained.
ROUND TWO:
I kick ass completely by accident with some sort of arbitrary 'Flower-Viewing With Sake' combo, which is a three-point gain for me. Ogami has fourteen points, Sakura has twelve. 
ROUND THREE:
Sakura gets another one-point 'Tan', which would subtract one point from Ogami's score- which would make it Ogami (13) and Sakura (12). Not nearly enough for her to tie, let alone to pull ahead.
So she does the only logical thing and end the game instead of trying to shoot for a bigger combo. 
Sakura wins the round, and thanks to her inability to add OR subtract, Ogami wins the game. 
Wha-?! What the hell did I do?!
----
[Sakura]
Hey, Ogami-san, Ogami-san! I'll trade you Boardwalk if you give me the Pennsylvania Railroad!
[Ogami]
... but Sakura-kun... I already have Park Place and you don't have any of the other Railroads, do you really-
[Sakura]
Don't worry about it, it's all part of my master plan!
[Ogami]
Well, if you say so...
~TWENTY MINUTES LATER~
[Ogami]
... that's the fifth time you've landed on Boardwalk, and since I have hotels built on it, you currently owe me a couple thousand dollars worth of ren-
[Sakura]
....
[Sakura]
OGAMI-SAN, YOU IDIO~T!!
[Ogami]
WHY?!
----
[Ogami]
For a first time, that was a very good match.
... he said, doing his level best to ignore Sakura's glare of death.
She'll extract her vengeance on Ogami soon enough, oooh yes. She NEVER FORGETS.
[Sakura]
Ogami-san, you've started off with one win already, haven't you. Congratulations!
Good work on the first round. Please do your best in the next match as well, okay?
Now then, thank you for taking the trouble to come out here tonight.
I didn't have a choice in the matter! It's like Ogami took revenge on the player for forcing him to walk into the baths.
...
Don't be fooled by her happy exterior. Inside, she's still filled with a burning, wrathful need for vengeance that will only be cooled down by the utter destruction of all things good and holy!
EXTERMINATUS! EXTERMINATUS!
[Ogami]
Good night, Sakura-kun.
----
KOI KOI ENDS HERE.
You can start reading again, citizen.
----
----
One nifty pan-and-shift from nighttime to daytime later (miraculously, the theater's in one piece yet again)...
We rejoin our hero the next day, right after he's finished his god-given duty to his country.
[Ogami]
Everyone in the Flower Division's still in the middle of the play, huh... I guess I'll go check and see how the play's going.
And Ogami walks straight from the lobby to the backstage area, charging through the filled seats and maiming guests left and right in a bloodthirsty rage! With a throat-rattling roar, Ogami tore through the wooden planks of the stage with his bare hands, sumo-flipped Sakura, and ripped through the curtains as he went!!
Sadly, I lost all screenshots pertaining to that sequence, so you'll have to take my word for it.
----
Fun fact: in Japan, the voice actresses of Sakura Wars have actually performed the "Because Of Love" play. Live.
... which is fundamentally bizarre on many levels, because it's the voice actresses playing their characters, who are in turn playing the characters in "Because Of Love." Nevertheless, all of the plays that they performed were ludicrously successful.
The More You Know! 
[Maria]
If I were to abandon my duty and my soldiers, and run away with you... I would no longer be myself.
As usual, Maria cuts a dashing figure.
[Maria]
That kind of person... would you be able to love him?
[Sakura]
Lord Andre~!
... she screamed, her voice cracking horribly. The hundreds of watching guests were able to enjoy a good laugh at her expense.
Meanwhile, behind the scenes... somehow, what vestiges of humanity that are left in Iris's mind have been touched by this doomed display of love.
[Kohran]
Will ya look at that, Ogami-han. Sakura-han's doin' her best.
[Kohran]
Even so... Maria-han's gettin' into it a bit too much.
Pfft, it's just your imagination. It's not like Maria was ever given the heavy burden of being responsible for soldiers or anything like that.
[Kohran]
An' lookit that, the girls in th' audience can't get enough o' this kinda bittersweet romance. They're swooning left an' right.
[Sumire]
Good grief, such low-class acting. I can barely stand watching it.
(She's literally saying something like "her acting stinks to high heaven of country bumpkin-ness", but that doesn't translate well AT ALL.)
[Sumire]
But compared to myself, who is positively overflowing with talent, one can almost feel sorry for her.
Christ, someone's still angry about not landing the part of Clementine.
On a brighter note, Sumire's still retained much of the acidic bitchiness that we'd feared lost.
[Iris]
Sumire, shut up~!
Them's the breaks to having a child on your team. THEY'RE able to mouth off whatever's on their minds without giving a DAMN about how much of a bitch they're being.
[Sumire]
Honestly... why did I have to get stuck with such a minor role, I wonder.
And despite the fact that clearly, I am the most suitable for the leading actress's spotlight. Don't you think so as well, Ensign?
[Ogami]
H, haah.
Thankfully, Kohran saves him from having to lie through his teeth.
[Kohran]
Shh! ... we're almost to the climax!
----
:siren: "Because Of Love..." FMV :siren:
Vidya alert! Not optional. But hey, it's short and...
Sweet. Yes, sweet. 'Course, I'll be covering the vidya's contents below, but....
----
"LORD ANDRE~~!!" Sakura yelled dramatically, dashing over towards her (character's?) true love. Such tragedy! Such bittersweet romance! Such-
- annoying shoes!
Aah!
Dowah!
DAAAAAAH!
Why are they keeping the spotlight on her, for chrissake?!
Unbeknownst to them all, however, was the Golden Rule of the Grand Imperial Theater: "Every Goddamn Prop, Background, Or Otherwise Potentially Hazardous Decoration Must Be Connected To The Curtain."
So before everyone's shocked eyes, the ENTIRE STAGE starts falling apart, showering debris, broken pillars, and support beams all over the place.
THIS IS SAKURA'S BANKAI EXTERMINATUS.
... much to the horror of those guests unfortunate enough to get a front-row seat (and to the utter joy of the guests who had been unable to afford said front-row seats).
----
[Kohran]
An' I didn't even get t' lift a finger!
----
[Sumire]
... that is IT, I have had it up to here!
[Iris]
Ah, Sumire! You can't~!
BUT SHE DOES!
And the audience actually takes the time to laugh here, momentarily forgetting the fact that they're in grave danger of being crushed by falling props.
Moral of the day: comedy triumphs over everything, including immediate danger to one's person. :v:
[Sumire]
Sakura-san! You've turned the stage into such a mess- what in the world are you trying to do?!
[Sakura]
.... I, I'm sorry.
[Sumire]
Honestly, that was a most graceful and skillfully-executed fall! This is why you country bumpkins are so...
Uncouth, irritating, and on top of that, completely unrefined.... all three requisites to be a stinking hick!
[Sakura]
... though if we're talking about mess-ups, I believe that Sumire-san made the most this performance.
... hot DAMN, Sakura's not afraid to bare her teeth when her back's up.
[Sumire]
Wh, what was that?!
[Maria]
Both of you! We're in front of an audience. Stop this right now!
I doubt that even Maria can stop the two of them now. :gonk:
[Kohran]
Aw, no! Ogami-han, you've gotta go in an' stop 'em!
Wha-
[Iris]
Oniichan, do something~!!
WHAT?!
Uh....
Er....
fgsfds
----
[Ogami]
ARE YOU NUCKING FUTS?! I'm not getting between THOSE two, you guys don't pay me nearly enough for me to risk my life like that!!
[Kohran]
... Ogami-han, yer part of a force that reguarly sends y'all out in tin cans t' go an' tangle with a buncha demons. Ya can't get much more dangerous 'n that.
[Ogami]
Well, demons are predictable, but two women fighting each other? That just scare the SHIT out of me.
----
[Kohran]
.... I see whatcha mean. As expected of ya, Ogami-han; cool, level-headed, an' calm.
[Iris]
Oniichan, you're so smart~!
It looks like a highly developed sense of self-preservation to ME, but.
[Ogami]
Hmmmm... however, it doesn't look like this fight's going to cool down very easily.
----
[Ogami]
HOLY SHIT!
[Kohran]
Wha-?! Ogami-han, what's th' matter?
[Ogami]
My god... I finally understand how stupid we're all being!
Here, two (possibly three) of our comrades are fighting needlessly amongst themselves, being an embarrassment in front of an audience of HUNDREDS...
They may even come to blows, and... and...
[Kohran]
Yeah, it's purty darned heinous to-
[Ogami]
Don't you realize how much MONEY we could make off of this situation?! Sakura-kun and Sumire-kun's necklines are low-cut!!
They're nubile young women who are all wearing flimsy stage clothes that are ridiculously easy to rip, and we've got a catfight on our hands!
[Kohran]
Good thinkin', Ogami-han! We can't jes' sit here an' do nothin'!!
[Ogami]
The possibilities... why, the possibilities are ENDLESS!! Iris! Go down there and start charging them extra to watch the girls fight!
Kohran! Get us two- no, TEN gallons of mud!! No, wait, make that whipped cream!! Where are we going to find enough--
[Iris]
Oh, that's easy, I've saved a few tons of whipped cream in the kitchen for the glorious day that I utterly shatter Oniichan's mind, body, and spirit, and force him to lick it all off of m-
[Ogami]
I- you- good lord, WHAT?!
[Iris]
... erk. I meant to say...
[Iris]
Tralala, lookit me, I'm childishly cute~! Oniichan, Iris doesn't understand any of this stuff at all~!
[Ogami]
Hahaha, oh, Iris, you lovable scamp.
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
... what were we talking about again?
[Iris]
Whipped cream and illegal methods of making money!
[Ogami]
oh yeah. SNAP TO IT, PEOPLE!!
----
... rumblerumblerumble.
[Kohran]
That sound... aw no, Ogami-san! It looks like the stage's gonna collapse again!
[Ogami]
Wh, what did you say?!
[Iris]
Oniichan! Sakura and the others are in danger!
[Ogami]
I got it! I'll get the girls to evacuate!
Alright, Ogami, show us the skills of a leader!
[Ogami]
Hey~! Everybody~! Watch out~!!
What.
[Maria]
Ensign!
[Sumire]
... the, the stage is going to-
[Sakura]
- collapse again-!
[Ogami]
O-oh no! Everyone, run away!!
NARROWLY AVOIDING DEATH! THE BRAVE FLOWER DIVISION!!
[Ogami]
Uwaaaaaaah!!
[Sakura]
Kyaaaaaaaa!!
[Sumire]
Oh my~~~~~!!
[Maria]
The stage... how did this happen...
Injured: 91
Badly Injured: 218
Deaths: 12
BAD END
Next time: Sweeping the bodies under the rug and forcing some poor sap to take responsibility for everything!
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