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... and Ogami flees the backstage area, leaving only chaos, bedlam, and Sumire and Kanna in his wake (synonymous as those terms may be).
----
[Sakura]
And we're all out of stage hands today, so the entire division is prepping for the play.
----
[Ogami]
I'm not surprised. How many did we churn through this time?
[Sakura]
Fifty-nine and a half! Kohran salvaged most of the last one's brain and placed it in a jar, and since it's still swimming around...
[Ogami]
... sweet jumpin' Jehoshaphat, that's got to be a new record. Don't they usually start dying off DURING the play?
[Sakura]
Yes, Ogami-san, but, well, this play's main leads...
[Ogami]
Kohran and Iris?
[Sakura]
Kohran and Iris.
----
[Sakura]
The two of them are so lively that it cheers me up just by watching them.
And I end up thinking that I wanna try joining in.
----
[Sakura]
... if only because the stage seems to be the only place where one can avoid the worst of the fallout.
[Ogami]
How IS it that the rubber chicken got five stagehands and only left Kohran with a bruise across the shins?
[Sakura]
I'm more worried about the whoopee cushion, Ogami-san. Kohran's refused to use it in any of the rehearsals.
[Ogami]
Oh- you mean that thing that Kohran's been calling the "Mr. Last Laugh"?
[Sakura]
... are you sure you can't cover for me, Ogami-san?
[Ogami]
Yeah, no. I plan to be outside city limits before they start the first show.
[Sakura]
Y... yes, my lord.
----
[Ogami]
A comic routine featuring Sakura-kun, huh...
[Ogami]
All you would have to do is to just be yourself. I'm sure that you'd end up pulling off some hilarious routines.
[Ogami]
Eek!? W-Well, um...
----
[Ogami]
... you can wax nostalgic about your phobia of having your bellybutton stolen by lightning?
[Sakura]
How is THAT supposed to be funny!?
[Ogami]
W-Well, you see, it's, um...
[Sakura]
Yes, Ogami-san?
[Ogami]
Please stop looking at me like that.
[Sakura]
I don't know what you're talking about, Ogami-san. Please, do go on.
[Ogami]
Um, no, it's nothing.
[Sakura]
Tsk.
----
[Ogami]
Hahahahaha... that's really harsh, Sakura-kun.
Speaking of watching Ogami blunder around in a tragically hilarious fashion
[Ogami]
Hm? What's up?
[Sakura]
I'd like you to get me a bathpan.
[Ogami]
A bathpan...?
[Sakura]
I asked Maria to go find one, since she was going down to the baths anyway, but...
[Ogami]
Aah, I got it. I'll just have to go get one from Maria, right?
Yes, Sakura is sending Ogami down to the collect an item from the person who is currently taking a bath.
... given what we know about this theater, I'm fairly certain that Sakura's actions would qualify as a premediated killing in most countries.
[Ogami]
Where exactly IS Maria...?
[Ogami]
... gasp! Maria's clothes are folded up here. Which means...
[Ogami]
Just past this point, Maria is...
[Ogami]
Urgh... my body, it's moving on its own, toward the baths...
[???]
... what are you looking for?
[Ogami]
Aah...
----
[Ogami]
(Wait, that voice sounds familiar!)
[Ogami]
(And there's probably only one other person who could actually BE down here right now!)
[Ogami]
(Now, using my logic skills, clearly, in order to preserve my hide, I must-)
[Ogami's Brain]
HEY
[Ogami]
(Wha-)
[Ogami's Brain]
DO YOU KNOW WHAT RHYMES WITH 'LOGIC'
[Ogami]
(Wait, wh-)
[Ogami's Brain]
BANANAS
----
[Ogami]
Maria's taking a bath! See, her clothes were all folded up in the changing room.
[Maria]
Hoh... I am, am I?
[Ogami]
Eh...?
[Ogami]
Eek!? M-Maria!!
[Maria]
Captain... don't tell me you were trying to peek in on me while I was taking a bath?
[Ogami]
Ah, um...
[Ogami]
I'm sorry...
----
[Maria]
... we'd currently be short a Captain of the Flower Division.
----
[Ogami]
Hahahahaha...
----
[Maria]
In fact, we STILL might be short a Captain of the Flower Division, as I shall have to teach you a lesson. With bullets.
[Ogami]
Maria season!
[Maria]
... Captain, you're not seriously thinking of-
[Ogami]
Maria season!
[Maria]
Fine. Ogami season.
[Ogami]
Maria season!
[Maria]
Ogami season.
[Ogami]
Maria season!
[Maria]
Ogami season.
[Ogami]
Ogami season!
[Maria]
Maria season.
[Ogami]
HAH! I win!!
[Maria]
Yes. However, I'M the one holding the gun.
[Ogami]
Oh. OH. Oh shi-
----
FIVE EXCRUCIATING LONG MINUTES LATER
----
[Ogami]
YOU MEAN WE'RE NOT DONE YET!?
[Maria]
Captain, did you honestly believe that I would let you go with a mere 60% blood loss and the perforation of one leg?
[Ogami]
Did you really think I was ever going to bring up the comparative leniency of any one of your punishment sessions?
[Maria]
... well, you WERE dumb enough to try the 'Rabbit Season' trick, Captain.
[Ogami]
It worked against Kanna!
[Maria]
... Pyrrhic victories don't count, Captain. You broke all the bones in your arm when you tried to punch her.
----
[Ogami]
Ah, that's right! Sakura-kun was the one who asked me to bring this to her.
[Ogami]
Yeah, I got it. I'll get this to Sakura-kun.
[Ogami]
Right then... in any case, I guess I'll go deliver this to Sakura-kun.
Where would this game be without the heaps of redundant semi-explanatory dialogue? You know, ASIDE from "at least two hours shorter."
----
[Ogami]
Yeah. It's this, right? I got it from Maria.
And everything good about the play hinged on Ogami NOT being a lazy douche and actually bringing the damn thing up top.
[Sakura]
Okay... all that's left is to set it up in the rafters.
[Maria]
Sakura, I gave the bathpan to the Captain...
[Ogami]
Yeah, I just got here myself.
----
[Ogami]
... which is mildly strange, since you left the baths BEFORE me.
[Maria]
Well, Captain, I had to take some time off to shadow your every footstep and check that you weren't attempting to slack from your duties.
[Ogami]
But I didn't see you at all.
[Maria]
Yes, Captain. You're not supposed to see snipers.
[Ogami]
I... you're never letting me take another step towards the bath ever again, are you.
[Maria]
Oh, you're perfectly allowed to move towards the bath, Captain.
[Maria]
You will simply die immediately afterward.
[Ogami]
Well, I can always wash myself in the kitchen sink, I guess.
----
[Sakura]
Perfect timing. Could both of you help me out a little?
Setting this up in the rafters will be kind of difficult, so...
[Sakura]
Then I'll watch the bathpan's positioning from down here. Ogami-san...
Please hold the rope attached to the bathpan. Whatever you do, don't let go, okay?
[Ogami]
Right, I got it! Leave it to me!!
So, basically, Maria does all the work while everyone else stands around and tries to act like they're helping.
... in other words, same old same old.
[Ogami]
Got it. I just have to hold it, right?
----
[Ogami]
I... okay, I know, you guys don't have to repeat it endlessly.
[Maria]
This is MUCH more complicated than simply putting on a pair of pants, Captain.
[Ogami]
... I thought you guys would've set a slightly higher bar for me by now.
[Maria]
Nope, 'wearing pants' is still the unit used in gauging whether or not you can do anything around here.
[Ogami]
Wait, then how many pants' worth of effort would piloting something as complex as the-
[Maria]
1.5 pants.
[Ogami]
... I think I'm going to stop asking now.
----
[Ogami]
Right!
----
[Ogami]
(Hah! Yeah, I'll show THEM just who's wearing the pants around these parts-
[Ogami's Brain]
HEY
[Ogami]
(GodDAMN it.)
[Ogami's Brain]
HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S AWESOME
[Ogami]
LA LA LA SHUT UP, BRAIN! I'M NOT LISTENING!
[Maria]
...
[Sakura]
...
[Ogami]
Er, um, I mean...
----
----
[Ogami]
SHUT UP BRAIN BECAUSE I'M TOTALLY TALKING TO SAKURA-KUN AND AM NOT YELLING AT MY BRAIN FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
[Sakura]
That's entirely logical and I will accept that without question because Ogami-san is my lord!
[Maria]
I'm accepting that without question because I'm just thankful that the Captain isn't wetting himself again.
----
[Ogami]
Sakura-kun, how are things on your end? Are you alright?
How about some consideration for the person who could end up BREAKING HER NECK?
[Ogami]
Oh, right... by the way, what exactly is Kohran planning to do with this bathpan?
[Sakura]
I'm not really sure, myself.
Well... she said that no matter what, this bathpan would be the key to making this play a success.
[Ogami]
Hmmmm...
[Maria]
Both of you! Your hands are idle!! Don't just flap your jaws- do your work!
----
----
[Ogami]
That's not an 'eheheheh', woman! She's armed!!
[Sakura]
But both her hands are f-
[Ogami]
THAT HASN'T STOPPED HER BEFORE.
[Sakura]
How do you even kn- ... does it have to do with most of the blood in your body pooling all over the floor, Ogami-san?
[Ogami]
I-I think it might.
----
[Maria]
... right. The bathpan is set up now. I'll be coming down shortly.
[Sakura]
Yup! Nice job!
[Ogami]
Yeah, good work. Right, then... I'd better get going to see the Manager.
[Maria]
I'll be leaving as well... I have other things that need to be done. See you.
[Sakura]
I also have to continue preparing for the play.
[Ogami]
Right, good luck. See you.
Sakura Wars: More Redundant Dialogue Than Your Brain Has Room For.
[Kasumi]
'What the hell's he doing, tell him to hustle'... he was a little angry.
[Ogami]
Ack! That's right, I was called down to the command room!!
I'd better get moving, or else... the Manager's going to give me a tongue-lashing.
----
[Ogami]
... though I would give ANYTHING for a tongue-lashing from Ayame-san.
----
And off he goes!
NEXT TIME: Mecha and Demons: Shoveling Steaming Heaps of Exposition Down Our Throats Since 1923!
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