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[Maria]
... hm, okay. This should do it for the pirozhki . All that's left is to fry it in oil... there.
Great, she didn't catch on. Now let's--
[Maria]
Hmhmh~m...
Wha--
----
Wait, that was adora--
[Maria]
It's fine to just keep it at a medium flame, so it is fairly simple... now then, I'm leaving it to you.
----
[Ogami]
... yeah, she'd probably go spare if that happened. There's only one path open to me, then.
----
----
[Ogami]
Better safe than sorry!
----
[Ogami]
This much should be fine...
[Maria]
Once you've adjusted the heat, all that's left is to let it simmer.
I am going to get the plates, so could you turn off the heat when the time's right?
[Ogami]
Aah, I got it. All I need to do is watch the pot, right?
----
----
"All that's left is to let it simmer," she says.
Well, nothing-- nothing-- in this universe is complete without one thing, and one thing alone:
Steam power. 
[Ogami]
Right... now to stop the flame and let it get steam-cooked. After all, what's important is to give it time.
One that's not dirty, I'd assume.
[Maria]
The borscht looks deliciou... wh--!!
----
[Ogami]
Hey, you have to admit that it takes mad skills to fuck up a recipe so much that it becomes an entirely different dish.
[Maria]
No it--
[Maria]
Well, alright, I see your point, but that doesn't change the fact that we are left with a pot of pork miso soup.
[Ogami]
H-hey, I'm sure it'll work out somehow!
----
[Maria]
K-Kanna!? When did you...
----
See?
----
----
[Kanna]
Because you didn't turn off the flame immediately after putting in the seasonings, the soup's innate flavor wasn't overpowered!
----
[Ogami]
Good god, Kanna, how in the world...?
[Kanna]
Well, what can I say? The nose kno--
[Ogami]
No puns.
[Kanna]
The tongue tel--
[Ogami]
NO PUNS.
----
[Maria]
N-no... it was the Captain who cooked this soup...
[Kanna]
If it's alright with you... could you become my cook? Your skills've stolen my heart!
[Ogami]
Eek!?
...
At this point, I think everyone but Maria and Kohran has propositioned Ogami in some way or other, and even then, don't quote me on that. 
And she dashes off.
----
What Can't Ichir--
Eh, you know the rest. 
----
Aaah... you can hear that old barely-suppressed exasperage building up.
Good ol' Maria.
[Ogami]
S... sorry...
[Maria]
It's thanks to you, Captain. Thank you.
But instead of rage, we get GOOD END.
... man. That one theory about every main character eventually drifting into something akin to Sakura? It's starting to look more and more likely at this rate. 
[Ogami]
Even so, I didn't know that you could cook, Maria.
I... think that's her line.
Hell, I think that's EVERYONE'S line at this point.
[Ogami]
With that thing in the costumes room, I'm really seeing a lot of unexpected sides to you today, Maria...
[Ogami]
It's not... really something to be shy about, isn't it?
----
[Ogami]
I mean, if it was ME doing that, then yes, you'd be worried...
----
[Ogami]
Besides, it makes me happy to see those parts of you that are like a normal girl...
----
[Ogami]
'Cause I mean, god knows we don't get nearly enough normality in this place.
----
Pfft--
Pshaw, yeah right, we've already seen this pose last update. I'm used to this. I can totally handle--
[Maria]
Captain... please don't tease me so much...
----
[Maria]
Oh, and I still have to go cry over the fact that you have completely ruined the Russian soup that I have been planning to make for a good long while now.
[Ogami]
... you're still angry about that, aren't you.
----
[Ogami]
Aah, I got it. Now then, see you in a bit.
Fffffff--
FFFFFFF--
[Ogami]
Iris, what kind of preparations are you doing?
----
[Iris]
There just happen to be two memos, so let's split them between you and me, Oniichan.
That's the problem when the person you want to avoid is able to read minds: damned if you do, damned if you don't, damned if you try to weasel your way out of it.
[Ogami]
Understood. So what I have to do is prepare what's written on my part of the list, right?
[Iris]
Yup! Bring them to the dressing room when you find all of them, okay?
----
That's certainly an... eccentric list.
[Ogami]
I should be able to find them all if I go to the kitchen and the cafeteria.
IT CAME FROM FRANCE, PART TWO: RETURN OF THE IRIS.
[Ogami]
Uwah! You surprised me.
----
[Ogami]
Christ. Be more careful with those teleports, will you? The last thing I need is death by telefrag.
[Iris]
Telefrag?
[Ogami]
Yeah, you know, when someone teleports right into a space already occupied by another person, the latter explodes in a gigantic shower of--
[Ogami]
Uh.
[Iris]
...
[Ogami]
... oh why the fuck did I tell you that.
[Iris]
Iris is going to--
[Ogami]
No testing this out on other people, Iris.
[Iris]
Not even if they're just NPCs, Oniichan?
[Ogami]
Especially if they're NPCs. That's a slippery slope right there, Iris.
[Iris]
Spoilsport.
----
[Ogami]
Wh-what's up, Iris.
...
He is helping you get cups, knives, and some matches.
It is not particularly challenging or praiseworthy.
----
----
That's the fiftieth time she's thanked Ogami.
It's as if she's trying to work off all that past guilt from when she kept thrashing him from chapters one through three four final number unavailable.
[Ogami]
Likewise. It was a lot of fun. By the way, I came to pick up a few things for the party...
YOU-A HEART 
... yeah, I know I've said that at least thrice before, it's just that the way I translate their conversations they speak, these folks are just ASKING for horrible romantic cliches.
[Ogami]
I was told to bring back cups and knives... and also, some matches.
----
----
A cup.
A knife.
----
[Ogami]
Maria, I'm pretty sure you said PLURAL. Why is there only one of each?
[Maria]
If you want something done right, Captain, do it yourself.
[Ogami]
No, seriously, are you trying to recreate Six Girls One Cup or something like that?
[Maria]
Cups and knives are valuable commodities, Captain, I cannot simply hand them out to whoever shows up and asks for them.
[Ogami]
I-I've lived in this theater for months!
[Maria]
Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that someone who would confuse a Russian soup for pork miso soup lived here.
[Ogami]
Are you STILL mad about that!?
[Maria]
...
[Ogami]
Fine, fine, just give me the damn matches.
----
[Maria]
All that's left are the matches. I believe they were near the gas stove...
----
----
[Ogami]
Oh good, they're plural.
[Ogami]
... and they're soaked. Thanks, Maria.
[Maria]
Soaked in oil so that your head will explode when you try to light it.
[Ogami]
That's not physically possible.
[Maria]
You stand here in this theater, surrounded by girls who are basically walking spiritual energy generators and by steam-powered robots that actually become lighter when activated, and you try to claim that something is physically impossible?
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
I'm putting Iris on match-lighting duty.
----
[Ogami]
You've really helped me out.
[Maria]
You're very welcome. Please look forward to today's food, okay?
Well, THIS fetch quest's finally over.
----
----
... and all I got was this cut-and-pasted conversation.
[Ogami]
Here, Iris. I've brought what was on my list.
Not shown: Each picture of each item flying straight into Sumire's cleavage.
[Iris]
Thanks to you doing half of it, I'm already done with my work!
[Sumire]
Ensign, it is not good to pamper Iris so much.
You're one to talk, Ms. I Need Someone Else To Help Me Do One Person's Job.
[Ogami]
It looks like you're about finished tidying up the dressing room.
[Sumire]
Yes. All that is left to do is to wait for the party to begin, I see.
Ensign, please go check on how the others are doing.
----
[Ogami]
Look, could you just stop copy-pasting your replies?
[Sumire]
No. All that is left to do is to wait for the party to begin, I see.
Ensign, please go check on how the others are doing.
[Ogami]
Fine! Be that way!
----
[Ogami]
Got it. I'll go do that.
----
[Ogami]
I'LL COPY-PASTE MY REPLIES, TOO!
----
It was a petty victory, but a victory nonetheless.
Ogami was quite proud of himself. 
NEXT TIME: Backs are broken! Brains are broken! Ogami is-- you know.
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