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[Ogami]
Wh... where am I?
[Ogami]
... well, if you could get me out of the theater and reassigned to a safer mission, like in a warzone or something...
[Elizabeth]
I was referring to the immediate present... but that appears to be besides the point. Igor?
[???]
So he's awake, is he? Well then, let's get down to business.
[Ogami]
... huh?
[Ogami]
Wait wait wait-- I'm dead?
[Elizabeth]
Yes. Now, if you'd please come towards the light...
[Ogami]
You mean that I'd survived through these past months of being verbally, physically, and mentally violated by a gaggle of completely insane girls just to get offed by some kind of midboss midget clown?!
[Elizabeth]
Yes, that appears to be the case.
[???]
Hold on just a second- Ogami?! By god, is that you?
[Ogami]
Manager Yoneda?! Why was she calling you Igor--
[Yoneda]
Oh, I'm just filling in for the old geezer who usually works here. But... look at YOU! You haven't changed at all since the last time I saw you!
[Ogami]
... two hours ago.
[Yoneda]
More like a century ago, but who's counting?
[Ogami]
WHAT?! But- how- that- you're- I'm--
[Yoneda]
Now, now, don't sweat the small stuff, a bit of time paradox never hurt anyone!
--
[???]
Man, saving the world sure is simple!
[???]
I know, right? All we had to DO was go into the ruined future, find out about Lavos, and kick his ass. Piece of cake.
[???]
*Beepbeepboopbeepbop* Wait, but... the ruined future isn't ruined anymore.
[???]
Hah? What're you talking about?
[???]
Don't you see? We defeated Lavos before he ruined the future, right? So you DIDN'T go into the ruined future and learn about the Lavos who ruined the future, because you stopped him from ruining the future in the first place.
[???]
... oh. Right. Well, it's not like we've created a giant fucking time paradox or anythi--
... ALL THINGS BEGIN WITH NU....
... ALL THINGS END WITH NU...
[???]
... godDAMNit.
--
[Yoneda]
Anyways, we don't have a lot of time left- ask me anything you want!
[Ogami]
Well, it's not like things can get any MORE fucked up. How about a hint about the future?
[Yoneda]
Whatever you do, don't let yourself get assigned to the Imperial Assault Force.
[Ogami]
Too late.
[Yoneda]
... don't let Sakura Shinguji get too attached to you? Try not to enter Kohran's room if you can help it? Try not to sortie immediately after Kanna breaks your jaw in three places?
[Ogami]
Too late. On all three counts.
[Yoneda]
Son of a bitch. Sorry, Ogami, but it looks like you're completely fucking screwed.
[Ogami]
... well, okay, isn't there anything that can at least mitigate the vast amounts of suffering littered throughout my future?
[Yoneda]
Well, for starters: don't drink anything Kohran gives you, don't get between any of Kanna and Sumire's fights, aaand try not to get stuck in close proximity with Sakura for an extended period of time.
Oh, and try not to say Iris's name three times at the stroke of midnight, especially if she's in her Koubu.
[Ogami]
When DOES Iris get her Koubu, anyway?
[Yoneda]
Pshaw, I don't think anyone'll ever be able to forget THAT day! It's marked in the history books as the beginning of Armageddon. It's on thhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dddddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa--aaa-aaa-aa-a-a-a-a-a...
[Ogami]
Son of... a... bi... tch.....
----
----
[Ogami]
(Who IS this!?)
[Tenkai]
Heh heh heh heh....
Heh heh heh, so you've finally fallen into our hands. Ichiro Ogami! With this, the Imperial Capital is finished.
----
[Ogami]
... are you kidding me? EVERYONE in my freaking brigade is stronger than me, and you've probably pissed them all off by taking away their boy toy slave thing.
----
[Ogami]
What.....?! Argh, my arms and legs... I can't move them!
[Tenkai]
Heh heh- now then, Ogami-kun. I shall introduce you to my skilled assistant!
Yup, I guess Setsuna somehow managed to capture Ogami. Even though he just sorta... turned tail and ran away.
...
... KOOOOOOOOHRAAAAAAAAAAN!! 
[Tenkai]
Kukukuku- how is it, Ogami-kun? How will it feel to be upgraded by your former subordinate?
----
[Ogami]
... I feel like I'm back in the theater, actually.
[Tenkai]
Huh?
[Ogami]
Trust me on this, this kind of situation is distressingly commonplace for me.
----
[Ogami]
Wha.... what are you planning to do?!
[Tenkai]
You will be remodeled by our hands, and become the Hive of Darkness's new limbs!
[Ogami]
Wh-what did you say?!
[Tenkai]
Now, Kohran!! With your skills, bring about the birth of our new comrade, Shin-Ichiro Ogami!
[Kohran]
Awright, jes' leave it t' me!
[Ogami]
Stop!! Don't do this, Kohran!
[Ogami]
Nooooo! Stop! Kohran!!
[Kohran]
It'll be alright! I've never failed once when doin' my tests on animals!
[Ogami]
N, no, that's really not the issue at stake here...
[Kohran]
Now, this won't hurt at all, so... jes' sit tight an' leave everythin' to me!
[Ogami]
Noooooooo! Stooooooooop!!
[Sakura]
.... gami.... n
.... gami-san, Ogami-san!
[Kanna]
How's he lookin'?
----
[Sakura]
I can't figure it out... he hasn't woken up, no matter how long I yell at him!
[Kanna]
Are... are his ears are bleeding.
[Sakura]
I mean, I've even been yelling into his ears for the past couple of hours, so...
[Kanna]
.... Sakura, I think you've sent him into an even deeper sleep that he won't ever be able to wake from.
----
[Ogami]
Urgh.....
----
[Ogami]
..... it's no good. I think my eyesight's messed up.
----
[Sakura]
Ogami-san, are you alright?
[Ogami]
Er, yeah...
[Ogami]
... so it was just a dream.
[Ogami]
That's right....
[Ogami]
What happened to the child?
[Ogami]
Is that so...
----
[Ogami]
So you're saying that the kid who nearly got me killed through HIS stupidity is just fine and dandy, while I'm sitting here, wracked in pain and at the mercy of a bunch of psychopaths?
[Sakura]
Yup!
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
... remind me to go visit him later.
[Sakura]
Oh? How come?
[Ogami]
Oh, no real reason. -- hey, Kohran, can I borrow your glasses for a moment?
----
----
[Ogami]
Aaah. That's MUCH better.
----
----
----
[Ogami]
N, no... it was nothing...
----
[Kohran]
.... can I have my glasses back now? Your face is causin' property values in th' area to drop.
[Ogami]
Fine, fine.
----
[Ogami]
What... happened to me?
[Sumire]
It seems that your body was hit fairly hard.
----
[Ogami]
Thank you, Sumire, I never would have guessed.
[Sumire]
... on the way back home to the theater, I mean.
[Ogami]
Huh?
[Sumire]
Everyone was fighting over who'd get to carry you home, Ensign.
[Ogami]
Okay, so why-- wait, why are my arms and legs broken?!
[Sumire]
... let's just say that things got kind of messy when Sakura started using you as a bludgeoning weapon.
-----
[Ogami]
I see... come to think of it, I was done in by that guy from the Hive of Darkness...
[Kohran]
Ogami-han... you were sleepin' inside th' infimary's healin' pod for three days straight.
[Sakura]
Ogami-san... are you still feeling pain?
[Ogami]
(My... head hurts a little bit, I think? Well, if it's something this minor...)
[Ogami]
It's nothing big. I'm alright now.
No use trying to get sympathy from these girls. They already know how much pain Ogami's body can tolerate, anyway.
[Ogami]
Sorry, Iris... sorry for making you worry.
... for some reason, I can't really hear this line in anything other than a sarcastic deadpan.
[Ogami]
(... even though YOU tried to remodel me.)
[Kohran]
.... hm? What's up? You've been starin' at me fer a while. Is there somethin' on my face?
[Ogami]
No, it's nothing.
Awww, isn't that sweet? Medicine from Iris. It's probably just the distilled souls of men damned to a living death sugar in a packet or something. 
(*GULP*)
[Ogami]
......
[Ogami]
Uwah... what IS this!? It's, it's so bitter!!
[Sumire]
Kohran... is it truly alright to give him that medicine?
----
[Ogami]
Goddamn it, woman, why can't you ask these kinds of questions BEFORE I ingest an entire freaking packet of god-knows-what?!
[Sumire]
Fufufu.
----
[Ogami]
K, Kohran, you made this...? This medicine....
So much for Yoneda's warning.
----
[Kohran]
Hmhmhm, that's right. It's some really potent stuff. His injuries'll heal up right before our eyes.
'Course, in exchange... its got th' side effect of makin' you really sleepy.
----
[Kohran]
I call it... the Mr. Date Surprise-Sex Drug!
[Ogami]
... so THAT'S why none of you warned me.
----
[Kohran]
Nighty-night, Ogami-han. It'll be alright if ya leave th' rest to Maria-han.
... huh? Where IS Maria-han?
[Sakura]
Well...
[Sumire]
In any case, let's go outside, or else we'll wake up the Ensign.
[Sakura]
You're right.... in that case, Ogami-san... good night.
====
NEXT TIME (ETA- Thursday/Friday Evening?): Neither Rain Nor Snow Nor Excessive Amounts of Injuries...
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