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Okay, fine, I'm going into Kohran's room, but only because I can actually SEE her standing behind that door without a blunt object in hand.
Maybe it'll be something that WON'T directly or indirectly cause pain and suffering to come crashing into Ogami's life. You know, maybe it'll be something SIMPLE, like a thermonuclear bomb.
[Kohran]
Ah?! A-aw, crap!!
[Ogami]
W-what?!
Why can't ANY of Ogami's visits to Kohran's room just be NORMAL and HAPPY and NON-LIFE-THREATENING?
[Ogami]
Kohran! What's wrong?!
I'm coming in!
[Kohran]
Ogami-han, one of the machines somewhere next by yer feet's triggered its self-destruction mechanism!
WHY ON GOD'S EARTH WOULD YOU INSTALL A SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISM ON A DEVICE THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR ROOM.
[Kohran]
You've gotta press that machine's button t' stop its self-destruct mechanism! If ya don't...!!
----
[Ogami]
What?! That's horrible! It looks like I have no choice!!
[Kohran]
I knew I could count on you, Ogami-ha-
[Ogami]
Kohran, I delegate the responsibility of diffusing this bomb to you!
[Kohran]
Wait, what're ya--
[Ogami]
SO LONG, SUCKER!!
[Kohran]
.... son of a bitch.
----
[Ogami]
It'll detonate, right!! I got it! Which machine should I stop?
----
[Ogami]
Kohran... it really doesn't help that your room is a wall-to-wall carpet of machines.
[Kohran]
Really? I think it has a nice, lived-in feel, ya know? I mean, I jes' gotta be careful that I don't trigger any o' the five hundred bomb-like devices I keep in here.
[Ogami]
... how do you get OUT of your room?
[Kohran]
Oh, that's real simple. Anti-grav device!
[Ogami]
A... what?
[Kohran]
Ah, crap, I fergot, he wasn't supposed t' know about that kinda technology. Hey, Ogami-han, couldja look into this here Neuralizer fer a second?
[Ogami]
Sure, that's a reasonable and not at all suspicious topic change. Let's see now--
[Ogami]
... buh?
[Kohran]
Hehehe. He won't remember a thing...
----
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon...
[Ogami]
Kohran, is this it?!
[Kohran]
That's right! Hurry up an' press the "cancel" button t' stop it!!
[Ogami]
Right, I got it!!
It's really so convenient that everything from ticket clippers to Koubu controls to ticking bombs of death are wired according to the same, vaguely PS2 controller-like scheme. 
[Ogami]
How's that!
[Kohran]
Jes' a little bit more, an' this entire theater woulda gotten blown t' smithereens.
[Ogami]
B, blown to smithereens...?
... wonderful. Thanks to that one device, she's got the lives of everyone in the theater right in the palm of her hand.
And to make it better... it's probably something totally mundane. Like a steam-powered toaster. Or a steam-powered nail clipper.
I don't think I want Ogami's obituary to read "splattered across the landscape because Kohran's bread got too toasted." 
[Ogami]
H, haah...
----
[Ogami]
... Kohran...
[Kohran]
Don't worry, Ogami-han! Explosions are jes' my way of laughin'! An' I got fifty o' these devices strung up all over the theater!!
[Ogami]
... what.
[Kohran]
So the next time I hear somethin' reaaaaal funny, I'm gonna set 'em all off!! It'll be the biggest laugh EVER.
[Ogami]
... Kohran, explosions DO kill people.
[Kohran]
EXPLOSIONS don't kill people! I do!!
[Ogami]
BUT PEOPLE DIE IF THEY ARE KILLE--
[Ogami]
-- DERP.
[Kohran]
... he knew too much anyways. Gyaha... gyahaha... GYAHAHAHAHAHA...
----
[Kohran]
Now then... jes' gotta get my wits back together, an' I'll get started on th' next invention!
[Ogami]
Ha ha ha ha ha..... do your best, Kohran.
[Kohran]
Leave it t' me! I'm gonna make somethin' amazin' this time around!!
Boy, am I glad that I'm not in any of the rooms next to Kohran's. And I think IRIS is. 
[Ogami]
N, now then... I'll be leaving here...
----
Well, I better get to making sure that Maria won't go on an insane killing rage. The last thing I need to hear is that Kohran or Iris are contagious.
----
[Ogami]
Ah... I wanted to talk to you for a bit...
[Maria]
I understand. Then, let's talk in my room. Please come in.
Oh boy oh boy Maria's room oh boy oh boy. 
... aww. I was expecting something a little more, you know.
Bullet-ridden.
[Ogami]
Haha... this is the first time I've been to Maria's room, huh.
----
Well, for starters, I'd like to nibble at your nose in an overly flirtatious manner, thus invading your personal space and ensuring that Ogami will be able to die while his soul remains mostly whole and uneaten by Iris. I'm also confident that Maria will be able to dispose of his body in such a way that it will never be usable by Kohran.
[Ogami]
Maria... is something wrong today? You're not acting like your usual self.
[Maria]
.......
[Ogami]
If you'd like.....
[Ogami]
Maria... you can consult with me at any time, so... if you ever feel like it, you can talk with me about anything.
Isn't that nice! We've done good-
- though as usual, it's a fleeting thing. 
[Maria]
I apologize, since you went out of your way to come here....
[Ogami]
I see... I got it. In that case, I'll be leaving, so...
That's that. Well, there's really nothing left on the second floor, so--
Oh, hey, the salon. And we know who frequents the salon more often than not. Cleavage wrapped in a kimono!
I swear to god that she's haunting my save file or something.
[Ogami]
Oh... so you're my opponent this time, Iris.
[Iris]
We're going to duel, right?
[Ogami]
In that case....
In the interest of brevity and censorship, I decided against including the epic card duel that took place between Ogami and Iris. However... let it be known that the match was extraordinarily close.
You see, Iris made a quick wager at the beginning:
----
[Iris]
Hey, hey, Oniichan, look at this!
[Ogami]
What is it, Iris? It looks like a blank card to me.
[Iris]
It's just the card that will
[Iris]
BE THE NEW VESSEL FOR YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL, BECAUSE ONCE I TRIUMPH OVER YOU IN THIS PIDDLING CARD GAME, I WILL REND IT FROM THE RUINS OF YOUR ALL-TOO-FRAGILE MORTAL BODY. YOU SHALL BE, FOR ALL ETERNITY, ONE OF MY MANY TOYS.
[Ogami]
Awww, isn't that adorable? Okay, but if I win...
[Iris]
Hahaha, you won't win, silly!
[Ogami]
Hahaha, okay, let's play!
[Iris]
EXCELLENT.
----
... the fate of the world rested on the result of this card game...
----
OPTIONAL VIDEO:
Koi Koi Battle #2: VS Iris.
IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-DUEL!!
Google Edition.
Youtube Edition.
----
[Iris]
Do your best in the remaining matches, Oniichan!!
----
Inwardly, Iris Chateaubriand seethed, and the darkness trapped within the nine-year-old girl raged mindlessly. It had been so close to harvesting Ogami's delectable soul! Two, three more points, and Ogami's mysterious power- that woman-attracting "virus"- would have belonged to IRIS!! And she was so close to owning him in body and in spirit-- this game would have provided the perfect catalyst...!!
Outside the Grand Imperial Theater, hundreds of birds took flight, panicking in their hurry to get as far away as possible. Dogs whimpered, howled, and refused to go in the theater's general direction, no matter how their owners tugged at those leashes. All over the city, stray cats and housecats alike yowled in pain and hid under whatever was handy. Animals fled Ginza that day, much to the confusion of all concerned.
Inside Iris's room, what was left of the stuffed animals'' minds caused them to cringe, and they instinctively shied away from the palpable wrath of their mistress.
Little Jean-Paul, cradled in Iris's arms, took the brunt of wave after wave of raw elemental darkness, which hammered into its already-shattered mind, reached past those pitiful remains...
... something at the core of Jean-Paul, something dormant, began to stir.
And so, the gears of destiny turn...
----
[Ogami]
Bye, Iris.
Last stop on the second floor is-
GAAAAAAAH
... I totally didn't notice Maria until I was standing right on top of her.
Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. 
----
[Ogami]
SURPRISE SHOVE!!
----
... no, Ogami, the OTHER thing that a man's gotta do.
----
[Ogami]
You never let me have any fun.
----
[Ogami]
Maria.....
[Ogami]
What's wrong, Maria.... you've been acting oddly for a while now.
[Maria]
Now then... see you.
And the plot thickens. Aww, Maria.
Well, we've got exactly five minutes left on the clock.
And what better way to spend that time than to sneak around and snoop in peoples' private affairs? TO THE COURTYARD!!
[Ogami]
.... Sumire-kun. What're you doing?
[Ogami]
No, it's just... there're an incredible number of flower petals on the ground around you.....
----
[Ogami]
Hahaha... wow, whoever's stuck doing the odd jobs around HERE'S going to be pissed as hell whenever she finds out that she's gotta clean all this shit up.
[Sumire]
Isn't that YOU, Ensign?
[Ogami]
YES, I KNOW, THIS IS WHY I AM FILLED WITH SO MUCH FRUSTRATED IMPOTENCE THAT I AM LAUGHING AND SHEDDING TEARS WHILE GRINDING MY TEETH TOGETHER IN DESPAIR.
----
[Sumire]
Ah.... thi, this was for... using flowers for fortune-telling....
[Ogami]
Flower fortune-telling?
You'd THINK that a top star actress like Sumire'd be able to think up a better cover-up than THAT.
[Ogami]
Could it be....
... huh. Is this answer worth the risk of dy-
DAMMIT.
[Ogami]
.......
[Ogami]
No... I just didn't think that you would believe in something like fortune-telling...
----
----
... you know, Sumire is turning out to be surprisingly easy to manipulate into a good mood. 
[Ogami]
Hahaha.... good luck with that...
----
[Ogami]
Who's going to be the one to clean up all these flower petals? ... I should hurry up and get out of here.
Pshaw, you shouldn't even TRY to run away. It will catch up with you... in the end... 
See what I mean?!
... oh, hold on a second, we can use this.
[Yuri]
They were going to get the set cleaned up by all means necessary... Ogami-san, maybe if you went and helped?
[Ogami]
The set, huh... I got it, I'll go take a look. Thanks, Yuri-kun.
----
[Ogami]
CONGRRRRRRATULATIONS!! YOU'VE JUST WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO CLEANING UP THIS SHIT.
[Yuri]
H-hey, wait a sec-
[Ogami]
YOINK!
[Yuri]
... sunnovaBITCH.
----
Aaah... finally, something goes Ogami's way.
----
O-oh god, have I heard THAT one before.
[Ogami]
What' s up?
----
----
----
[Maria]
Th, that's not true at all. Now, let's keep going with the repairs.
(... RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE...)
[Ogami]
Uwaaah! Th, the set's...!!
[Sakura]
Kyaaaaaah! O, Ogami-san!!
----
Ogami turned... to see death staring him in the eye.
[Iris]
Hiiiiiiii~~, Oniichan~!!
... I meant IMMEDIATE death, ergo the set about to fall right on top of h-
----
[Ogami]
Guoooooarrrrgh!! Ghi, it's heavy!
[Kohran]
Uhyaah.... that's amazin'! Ogami-han, you've got some amazin' strength there, don'cha!? I'm impressed!
[Ogami]
.... wh, whatever, j-just hurry up and do something about this!!
[Sakura]
W, we'll hurry up and pull it back up with some rope!
[Iris]
Oniichan, are you okay? You're covered in sweat, you know.
As usual, Iris derives enjoyment from watching others suffer.
----
[Ogami]
(I'm a MANLY MAN, I... I CAN DO THIS!!)
----
----
[Ogami]
(o-oh god, my spine, I can feel my spine compressing like, like a thing that ultimately breaks in three places due to the strain of something really fucking heavy pressing down on it--)
----
----
[Ogami]
(Lungs... imploding... c-can't... vocalize... words...)
----
[Ogami]
(Kkkhh... endure it! Endure it, Ichiro Ogamiii~!!)
[Sumire]
Oh, my... you're really trying your hardest, aren't you?
----
[Ogami]
(YOU GUYS CAN GET INTO A GIANT FREAKIN' TIN CAN AND LAUNCH YOURSELF AT FLESH-RAVAGING STEAMPUNK DEMONS, BUT YOU CAN'T GET OVER HERE AND HELP HOLD UP A FUCKING SET?!)
----
[Kohran]
Ain't that th' truth! Ogami-han, keep fightin'! Ya gotta stand firm here!!
[Sakura]
Please do your best, Ogami-san! We'll have it pulled back up in just a second.
[Iris]
Oniichan, do your best! Iris is cheering for you!
----
[Ogami]
YOU'RE ALL FIRED. 
----
[Ogami]
(Kh.... urgh... I-I'm... at my limit...)
[Ogami]
I, I can't hold it any longer!!
[Iris]
Kyaaaaaaah! Oniichaaaaaaan!
----
[Iris]
Protect me!!
[Ogami]
Haha, fuck that, you were standing too damn close to the thing in the first pla-
[Iris]
SHIELD ME WITH THINE OWN FLESH, MORTAL.
[Ogami]
M-my body's moving on its own....!!
[Iris]
YES. EXCELLENT!
[Ogami]
... towards the bath...
[Iris]
... GODDAMN IT.
----
[Ogami]
Iris! G, get down!!
And with that, they were crushed beneath some kinda stage prop pillar thing THE ENTIRE SET, APPARENTLY.
... except... not.
[Iris]
.... heh? Oniichan... you're we're still alive?
[???]
Aa~aah, don't tell me that you're worn out already... and from somethin' like this?
Hey, you with the glasses. Hurry and pull this thing back up with the rope, willya!
[Ogami]
(Amazing... she's supporting the set with one hand...)
OGAMI lost 20 Self-Confidence!
OGAMI lost 20 Manliness!
OGAMI has become afflicted with Feelings Of Inadequate Masculinity!
[Kohran]
O... okay...
[Ogami]
Y... you're...
I think we've found our adventuring party's tank.
[Sakura]
Eh?
[Kohran]
W, who the heck? Who're you?
[Iris]
Kaaaannaaaa~! Where're our souvenirs?
[Sumire]
Kanna!! ... you were alright?
[Ogami]
(Kanna... this person's Kanna?)
... swam.
...
... she SWAM most of the way from Okinawa to the Imperial Capital. Exposed to the elements for god knows how long, deprived of food and water and rest.
Our party's tank? Hell, Kanna's the motherfucking JUGGERNAUT.
[Ogami]
(S, swam?)
[Maria]
You haven't changed a bit, I see.
----
Aw, c'mon, Ogami only screamed once! Though I'm sure he would've screamed more, had he been able to spare the oxygen.
I think we've heard her name enough times to make a few deductions of our own. 
[Ogami]
I'm Ichiro Ogami. I used to be a Naval ensign, but I'm this brigade's captain now.
[Kanna]
He~h, an ensign, huh?! So that's why you've got such a nice look about you. Hah, I like you already!!
RECORD BROKEN. First place for "Fastest Attraction to Ogami" has been taken by Kanna!
[Maria]
Kanna... these are our new members, Sakura and Kohran.
----
[Sakura]
(Ohgodohgod she's going to eat me whole ohgodohgod--)
----
[Sakura]
I'm Sakura Shinguji. It's a pleasure to meet you!
----
[Kohran]
(Ohyesohyes she's going to eat me whole ohyesohyes--)
----
[Kohran]
An' I'm Kohran! Nice t'meetcha- though, hey... you really look like y' could be a good-lookin' guy, ya know?
h-how can you mistake her as being anything but a woman look at her breasts they're HUGE.
[Yoneda]
Kanna.... I'm glad you've come back!
[Ogami]
Manager Yoneda, this person is...
[Yoneda]
Kanna Kirishima... successor to the Kirishima school of Ryukyu karate.
With this, all of the Flower Division's members are gathered here!
[Ogami]
(Kanna Kirishima... she's the final member of the Flower Division, huh?
----
VIDEO!
The previous scene (Kanna's introduction AND Ogami's back breaking), this time with voices!
Watch it, for Kanna's voice is made of win and awesome and distinctiveness.
Google Edition.
Youtube Version COMING SOON!
----
NEXT TIME: Kanna kanna kanna kanna kanna. Also, can it be Maria tiems nao.
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