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VIDEO ALERT!
JINBU!
Youtube Version!
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AND LO, THE VERY BOWELS OF HELL OPENED UP...
... DISGORGING THE BLOOD-SOAKED MECHA-GODS OF THE UNDERWORLD, HERE TO REAP THE SOULS OF ALL THOSE INNOCENT BYSTANDERS WHO WOULD STAND IN THE WAY OF TH-
- wait, no, it's showtime yaaaaaaay!
It's Sakura!
Riding a mech that's apparently infinitely better suited for cutting through things than her previous robot!
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[Ogami]
... so, uh, is that ALL you added to her robot? Some leg guards, a new paint job, and more spirit energy?
[Kohran]
Well, what else WOULD Ah add t' her mech? Ya don't fix what ain't broke, Ogami-han, an' she's taken cuttin' to a fine cuisinart.
[Ogami]
... I kinda wish you'd stuck to that philosophy for the rest of the robots, Kohran.
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On to the next spirit armor unit!
It's Kanna time, bitches!
WHA-
-POW!
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[Ogami]
... well, okay, a face-guard and bigger claws are a pretty good upgrade for Kanna.
[Kohran]
Well, th' whole face-mask thing's more decoration than actual function.
[Ogami]
... wait, but our spirit armor's faces and joints are their weakest points, right?
[Kohran]
You'd think so, but Kanna-han doesn't actually HAVE any weak points. Heck, th' only things that'd hurt her are her own fists.
[Ogami]
... wait, so that ridiculously cool and stylish face guard is only there to stop her from punching herself in the face?
[Kohran]
Yup! Tho' it'd probably crumple from a force like that.
[Ogami]
... have you told her yet?
[Kohran]
Look at how freakin' scary-badass her mech is and jes' think about yer question for a second, Ogami-han.
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[Ogami]
... yeah, uh, never mind.
[Kohran]
Good boy.
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Slowest mech in the brigade:
Flashiest naginata-wielder known to man:
A character who started out as useless, but became indispensible due to her poison ability assuming that she moves fast enough to get it off before the battle ends:
SUMIRE!
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[Ogami]
WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS, KOHRAN.
[Kohran]
Peacock feathers! It's a nice touch, ain't it?
[Ogami]
SHE LOOKS LIKE THE ENTIRE GODDAMN VEGAS STRIP CONDENSED INTO ONE NINE-FOOT TALL MECH.
[Kohran]
Hey, on the plus side, she's totally gonna end up blindin' everyone on th' enemy side!
[Ogami]
Well, okay, so she's gotta have some sort of awesome hidden upgraded power to make up for her ridiculous visibility, right?
[Kohran]
...
[Kohran]
Well, shit, Ah guess I plum fergot 'bout that. Boy, is my face red!
[Ogami]
N... next.
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Well...
... it's Maria.
And her Jinbu, quite fittingly, looks like an utter badass.
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[Ogami]
... that's a Jinbu-scaled pistol.
[Kohran]
Yup!
[Ogami]
So she won't be shoehorned into fighting with a sniper rifle, and will actually be able to use her ridiculous skill at pistol-fightin'.
[Kohran]
Yup! Ain't it great?
[Ogami]
... oh my God, I'm so fucking doomed.
[Kohran]
Now, now, don't be like that, Ogami-han. I mean, jes' look who's comin' up next!
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It's a ball of light!
... which means one thing and one thing alone...
... Iris.
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[Ogami]
K-Kohran? Where are her legs?
[Kohran]
Yeah, about that, it's kind of a funny story: Ah calculated that she'd be more effective without her legs, since she's always poppin' in an' out, anyhow!
[Ogami]
... huh.
[Kohran]
'Course, all this probably means that she'll be evolvin' into some sorta uber-psychic brain being that'll shed her legs in exchange fer enough power t' outshine th' sun five hundred times over, but that ain't our problem!
[Ogami]
... god, I... I don't even know where to BEGIN on that.
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Big. Green. With tank treads.
And graspy manipulator arms.
Who else could that be but Kohran?
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[Ogami]
So, uh, tank treads and more guns, huh?
[Kohran]
Welp, y'all can't ever run outta dakka.
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
And, uh, the manipulator arms?
[Kohran]
In-combat deconstruction and/or pillaging of the enemy fer spare parts an' on-site study.
[Ogami]
... but... we're not going to be fighting robots, Kohran.
[Kohran]
Who said anythin' 'bout pillagin' ROBOTIC spare parts?
[Ogami]
(Don't ask, don't tell. Don't ask, don't tell. Don't ask...)
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And, of course, Ogami never fails to look good in white.
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[Ogami]
So, uh, what's this new row of buttons and levers do?
[Kohran]
It's a surprise, Ogami-han! Try pressin' the big red one.
--------
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[Ogami]
Right, right, big red, big red...
----
CHOOM
FWOOOOOOOSH
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[Kohran]
So, Ogami-han, how's it feel t' be th' first man t' pilot a jet-powered robot!?
[Ogami]
GYOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
[Kohran]
Oh, awesome, Ah'm totally takin' these words down fer posterity's sake~!
[Kohran]
... well, okay, mebbe not th' part where he gets violently sick in his own cockpit.
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[Ogami]
HOW DO I STOP FLYING!?
[Kohran]
Press th' red button again!
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[Ogami]
OH GOD HOW DO I STOP PLUMMETING TO MY FUCKING DEATH!?
[Kohran]
Man, yer jes' a picky little guy, ain'tcha? Air brakes're th' yellow button..
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WHOMPH.
[Ogami]
LET'S GO!
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[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
I-I think I just shattered both my legs on impact there.
[Kohran]
Picky, picky. A massive dose o' pain-killers an' assorted other stimulants oughtta keep ya good 'til we get back from th' fight.
[Ogami]
W-Wait, why's there a needle descending from the ceiliHURBLURK.
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NEXT TIME: Power overwhelming! Enemies underwhelming
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