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Hey, remember when I said that Ogami'd be dueling against the lone horseman of the apocalypse?
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Yeah, I meant Kohran, not Iris. Kohran is pestilence, mindless destruction war, famine, and death rolled up into one twisted little bundle. Besides, Iris is already an Elder God, and I think her schedule's too booked for her to sub for two positions at once.
[Ogami]
K, Kohran... you look incredibly confident...
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[Kohran]
An' why wouldn't I be? I taught everyone in th' theater this here card game, after all.
[Ogami]
... er, Kohran--
[Kohran]
Rules, strategies, tricks... I know 'em all! Ah've been playin' this game since before half of you were born! I--
[Ogami]
Kohran, you're younger than, like, half of us.
[Kohran]
-- since before Iris was born! An' I haven't even STARTED teachin' all y'all th' more advanced concepts an' tricks!! This game's as good as mine!
[Ogami]
Yeah, about that... I don't think you actually ever taught me how to PLAY this game.
[Kohran]
Oh. Shit, really?
[Ogami]
Yeah. I've just been kind of muddling along through luck and pattern memorization.
[Kohran]
And... y'all managed t' beat the everlovin' christ outta everyone else in th' Flower Division? Without actually knowin' how t' play?
[Ogami]
Yup.
[Kohran]
... so, uh, how many of th' girls did ya bang to--
[Ogami]
None of them.
[Kohran]
But there's no way that y'all could've defeated 'em through normal--
[Ogami]
Look, what you're suggesting is horrible, stupid, suicidal, AND ill-advised! What the hell kind of person do you think I am!?
[Kohran]
Horribly stupid, suicidal, and ill-advised?
[Ogami]
N-not when it really counts!!
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[Kohran]
Don't tell me that ya think that you're no match for me and pull out or somethin', eh?
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[Ogami]
Like right now, for instance!!
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[Ogami]
Right, let's do this, Kohran! Laugh or cry, this is the final battle!!
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VIDEO LINK!
The Final Koi Koi Tournament Battle.
Google Version!
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[Ogami]
WHAT calculations? Isn't this just a game of luck?
[Kohran]
What're ya talkin' about? Look, Koi Koi is anythin' BUT a game of luck. The rules change constantly dependin' on certain environmental factors during play, f'r instance since th' humidity's approximately point-zero-five points above th' normal absolute terror line an' th' equinox of July is fifteen hectorates sideways below the non-linear derivative of f over x due to th' natural tiltin' of th' Earth, and since your spiritual energy's 'bout three centimeters above th' sailor uniform that you gotta jes' take it...
[Kohran]
... I win by default.
[Ogami]
I hate to break it to you, Kohran, but I'm not falling for that kind of bullshit.
[Kohran]
Really? That's a pity, it worked when I played 'gainst Sumire.
[Ogami]
What?
[Kohran]
Well, in her defense, she was piss-drunk at th' time.
[Ogami]
... Kohran, you KNOW that spiking peoples' drinks isn't a good th--
[Kohran]
Naw, naw, it wasn't anythin' THAT underhanded. I jes' wiped th' tables clean beforehand, an' she suddenly slumped over, gigglin'!
[Ogami]
Wiped the tables using...?
[Ogami]
...
[Ogami]
Kohran, you're an asshole.
[Kohran]
I assure you, it was jes' a coincidence! It's not like I KNEW that th' vapors'd cause Sumire to keel over!
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Regardless, the first round goes... really, REALLY damn slowly.
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Then, a scattered number of random cards was just enough to score a TAN.
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One point in Ogami's favor!
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[Kohran]
I can turn this kinda thing 'round on its head faster than you can even REACT, I say! I ain't goin' easier on ya anymore!
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(... ten minutes later.)
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[Ogami]
Y... you were saying?
[Kohran]
Hush up an' gimme a few more seconds. I'll pull somethin' so strong, so powerful, an' so unbelievably potent that it'll--
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[Kohran]
BAM! Three Lights!
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[Kohran]
A six-point combo, Ogami-han! This game's as good as mine! None of your flippin' lil' one-point things! IN YOUR FACE!!
[Ogami]
But... but Kohran, I scored that combo.
[Kohran]
IN YOUR-- what?
[Ogami]
I scored that combo. You lose those six points.
[Kohran]
Tsk.
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[Kohran]
That last trick caught everyone but Maria-han, y'know.
[Ogami]
That was on purpose?
[Kohran]
Of course! Ya jes' gotta catch th' opponent off-guard, an' fast enough that they don't know what's goin' on. An' then by the time they DO figure it out, you've already deducted th' points from their total.
[Ogami]
... aren't any of your tricks NOT below the belt?
[Kohran]
Tsk tsk tsk. Bullshittin' is th' basics of card game playin', Ogami-han! You'll know better some day, when you're playin' Mahjong 'gainst th' President of th' United States or tryin' to win a gigantic card game tournament that'll decide th' fate of th' world.
[Ogami]
First of all, I don't think I'll ever step foot in another country, and secondly... demons play card games?
[Kohran]
Of course! Emperors, pharaohs, ghosts, zombie clowns... you name it, they play cards.
[Ogami]
... huh. The more you know, I suppose.
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And as the final round rolls by...
... right off the bat, Kohran scores a pretty powerful combo.
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[Ogami]
(Shit shit shit poo poo shit-- three points is a hefty chunk out of my score. I might be sunk if she keeps going, since she'll probably score bigger combos if I can't stop her in time. And since Kohran is ALREADY falling behind, she's got nothing to lose if she keeps going--)
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[Ogami]
(... or... or she could stop the game right there.)
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[Kohran]
... but I got ya jes' where I want you. With this, I got a decent chance at springin' back next round! Th' point difference is only FOUR now, so if I can score bigger an' bigger combos--
[Ogami]
Kohran, that was the last round.
[Kohran]
What?
[Ogami]
There are no more rounds. That was the last round. This is, in fact, the end of 'round' as it applies to this tournament.
[Kohran]
....
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[Kohran]
But no matter. Ogami-han, you've fallen right into my trap! Eight is, in fact--
[Ogami]
-- NOT greater than twelve, Kohran.
[Kohran]
Tsk. I even managed t' catch MARIA with THAT one.
[Ogami]
... HOW?
[Kohran]
It'd take too long if I started NOW. In a nutshell, I jes' had t' convince th' opponent that reality is such that it could be POSSIBLE for eight to become greater than twelve-- and in fact, this is precisely th' case if ya--
[Ogami]
Don't wanna hear it, Kohran.
[Kohran]
Damn. You ARE sharp.
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[Ogami]
Right... I managed to win.
[Kohran]
Even though I'd been goin' with straight wins, I was finally brought back down t' earth, huh.
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[Ogami]
That's because I managed to see through all your tricks, Kohran. Lessee... I should probably let Yoneda know that I won this r--
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[Ogami]
-- GENTLY FUCKIN' CARESS WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?
[Yoneda]
I'm everywhere ya don't want me to be, Ogami. I thought you knew that already!
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[Yoneda]
A'right, let's get everyone gathered an' do the awards ceremony, shall we?
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[Ogami]
Can't it wait until tomorrow? I mean, it's getting late, and it'll take a while to get everyo--
[Everyone]
You called?
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[Ogami]
I... I really should've seen that com--
[Ogami]
... I-Iris, did you just show up twice?
[Iris]
Don't worry about it, Oniichan, that was just a temporal anomaly. Iris forgot to obey the laws of reality again~!
[Ogami]
Iris--
[Maria]
I have already lectured you about exercising your powers and trying to attain godhood, haven't I, Iris? What was it that I told you?
[Iris]
"If you're going to horribly rape the special theory of relativity and shatter it into a trillion pieces simply by virtue of your existence, please remember to put it back together again when you're finished with it."
[Maria]
Good. As long as you understand, it's alright.
[Iris]
Yaaaaay!
[Ogami]
... maybe if you stopped her from doing so in the first place?
[Maria]
I'm sure she'll grow out of it, Captain.
[Ogami]
What, the phase, or the universe itself?
[Maria]
Both.
[Ogami]
That's not very reassuring, Maria.
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[Yoneda]
Lessee, the winner is...
[Yoneda]
Now, Ogami, you get this gold medal as your commemoration of victory. Take good care of it.
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And then,
everyone's
trust
levels
go up
a lot.
[Yoneda]
If everyone managed to grasp even one thing via this tournament, then it can be called a success!
[Ogami]
(T... that's plausible, but what in the world can you gain through Koi Koi...?)
[Ogami]
N, no... it's nothing.
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[Ogami]
What about the silver and the bronze medals?
[Yoneda]
What, you actually thought that I could be assed to buy more than one medal?
[Ogami]
Well, yeah, I mean--
[Ogami]
Manager, the medal's gold is scraping off.
[Yoneda]
'Course! It's gold foil, after all.
[Ogami]
... Manager, this isn't the kind of toy that you find in cereal boxes, is it?
[Yoneda]
Ha ha! Not after Kohran was done with it, it--
[Yoneda]
-- er, forget I said anythin'. Alright, everyone, let's go.
[Ogami]
But--
[Yoneda]
Chop chop! Time's a wastin'! The night ain't gettin' any younger!
[Ogami]
Wha-- why are you all running? Kohran, what did you DO to this medal!?
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NEXT TIME: Nightly rounds, and a return to a semi-standard updating schedule!
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