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When we last left Ogami, our intrepid hero, he'd made it to the Grand Imperial Theater (despite his superiors not actually telling him where to go), and met up with four of his would-be charges: Sakura Shinguji, Iris Chateaubriand, Sumire Kanzaki, and Maria Tachibana.
... all before being able to tell the theater's head honcho that he'd actually arrived. It's not like the girls had rolled out the welcome mat for him or anything like that, so that they all met him one after the other has got to be some sort of twisted coincidence (or a portent of things to come, which would be problematic where Iris is concerned, but I try not to think about that too much for a number of reasons).
In any case, let's go on. Ogami was riiight about to meet with Yoneda, I believe.
[Ogami]
But she said something like "rehearsal"...? Is that some sort of training?
It's a secret brigade that's using a goddamned theater as a cover. It wouldn't be that hard to take this kind of stuff at face value, but I think we've determined that Ogami's incredibly unbelievably dumb enough that you want to take him by the ankles and shake out all the loose change from his pants kind of dense like that.
[Ogami]
Let's see... I can finally see General Yoneda now.
One knocking later:
---
---
Respectful, on the ball, and knows how to make an entrance. It looks like our Ensign Ogami's on his way to making a good first impression on Lieutenant General Yoneda, who's probably a stickler for formality. I mean, come on, war hero.
[???]
Firsht'f'all, yer in the Grand Imperial Theater. Can't use that military talk here.
... or he could be completely fucking PLASTERED ON SAKE in the middle of the afternoon.
...
While he might very well be drunk off his ass BECAUSE he knew that some random sap would be coming to take charge of that Assault Force- a plan that could go wrong in many more ways than one- the fact that he is, indeed, drunk off his ass at this first meeting is still awesome.
[Ogami]
(Don't... don't tell me... THIS person is...?!
[???]
Hey, hooow 'bout a glass?
FUCK YES, YOU ARE THE BEST BOSS EVER.
Goddamn it, Ogami, you stick-in-the-mud.
In lieu of being able to take the man up on his offer, I go with the hot-blooded answer because I'm sort of tired of Ogami going "huh?" all the time.
[Ogami]
Are you really that Lieutenant General Yoneda? You're completely different from the rumors...
Happy drunk to angry drunk?
[Ogami]
That Lieutenant General Yoneda was a hero of the Japanese-Russo War, and that he was the Army's greatest strategist.
[Yoneda]
AND he's some hard-drinking old geezer...
An' that'sh what ya don't like.
[Ogami]
No... I haven't said that much.
He did. Rather blatantly, at that.
[Yoneda]
That'sh what yer sayin'! But you know, Ogami-san...
Angry drunk to introspecive drunk?
Is... is that a threat? 
[Ogami]
.... I understand. But since I have been translated to the Imperial Fighting Troupe...
I will put my life on the line and fight for the peace and safety of the citizens of the Imperial Capital...!
It seems that Ogami is a master of taking the fuckawesome alcoholic lemondade that life throws at him and... turning it into boring old lemons. 
[Yoneda]
Good 'nuff! Er, I mean... that's just splendid! In that case, here's your first mission!
That's what I'm talking about. Give me my goddamn robots, my infiltration missions, and my wreck-the-shit-out-of-demonic-invasions missions, it's time to go wreak havoc on the mecha strategy genre.
[Yoneda]
'Cause it's a secret brigade, after all.
Oh yeah, that IS sort of the whole point, after all.
[Ogami]
Understood! Ichiro Ogami, now proceeding to duty!
Figures that he'd treat this as seriously as anything.
FIRST MISSION:
- FUCK SHIT UP IN A ROBOT
- Find room.
- Take off military uniform.
- Put on civvie clothes.
- Report to reception area.
FINALLY, someone tells Ogami to chillax.
[Ogami]
Yessir!
[Yoneda]
Oh, whoops! Wait a second!!
[Ogami]
Yes... what is it?
[Yoneda]
Here... take this. It's a commemorative clock made when the theater was built.
Oh, cool, pawn shop fodder.
[Yoneda]
If you're a soldier and all, you alway gotta be on time.
----
[Yoneda]
Because that's what it does, you know. It keeps time. Why, back in my day, we didn't HAVE no stinking portable clocks!
[Ogami]
Uh, sir....
[Yoneda]
If you wanted to keep time "on the go"- that's old-timer speak, in case you were wondering- you had to lug around these gigantic European grandpappy clocks all the damn time!
[Ogami]
Sir....
[Yoneda]
In the army, it was the ensigns who carried around the clocks for their leaders, and us ensigns always drew straws every day to determine who would carry the clock on their back! Why, we used to call them "bent timers" because they were always bent over double, which made it easier for us to--
[Ogami]
... sir, we've had pocketwatches for over four centuries-
[Yoneda]
If you don't stop taking all the damn fun out of my drunken ramblings, you're cleaning lantrines for the next five months.
[Ogami]
... yessir.
----
[Ogami]
Yessir!! I accept it gratefully!
[Yoneda]
Well, go 'n take good care of it.
Certainly. Hell, I might even be able to take good care of it for, oh, about fifty years. Up to the point when the darned thing becomes worth a couple hundred dollars, anyway.
[Yoneda]
Now then, off with you!
[Ogami]
Understood!
----
OPTIONAL VIDEO:
Once again, a video of the previous scene plus dialogue (and minus translation). He sure as hell isn't a potential love interest, but Yoneda's drunk-ass voice is so awesome that it deserves its own video link.
----
---
[Ogami]
Sakura-kun and... Iris, was it? What are you doing in a place like this?
On a different note, it seems that he's already made an effort to wipe Iris's existence from his memory.
---
[Ogami]
(... anyway, it seems that the both of them were eavesdropping.)
I don't really care, AND I don't have time to be righteous and indignant to one or the other. I just want to get to my job with a minimum of bellyaching and drama :\
[Ogami]
In any case... could you tell me where the reception area is?
This is my first mission here. I wish to get to the reception desk as soon as possible....
What has he actually DONE to garner such doe-eyed admiration? Is standing around and looking baffled the first step to attracting girls? And didn't Ogami's stint as child moleste complimenter work well enough to scare you AWAY?
I'm certain I said 'with a MINIMUM of bellyaching.'
I DON'T CARE, GUYS, JUST GET YOUR ASSES INTO GEAR, WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS INTRODUCTORY SEGMENT!!
[Ogami]
Now, both of you, don't fight. Let's all go together.
... that's fine, isn't it?
----
----
[Ogami]
Now now, ladies, there's more than enough of me to go around.
----
[Iris]
No, it's all right. Iris has more fun if everyone's together.
[Ogami]
Hahaha, it's like having a flower in each hand. In that case, lead the way.
That remark made me immediately regret my decision.
[Sakura]
Ah... but before that, we'll have to show you to your room first.
[Iris]
You know, Oniichan..... you'll be living here with all of us together!
[Ogami]
Eh.... is that so?
Yes, I suppose that a man COULD get used to this kind of vaguely harem anime-esque living. I mean, if you have a guy like Ogami living together with six+ women....
What could possibly go wrong?
( X Years Later: )
WHY AM I SO KEITARO URASHIMA-LIKE IN EXISTENCE
Theoretically, he could just do that RIGHT HERE, but that would probably end the game prematurely.
So thus, they walk.
Don't ask how Iris's teddy bear does that floating thing.
My theory was that Jean-Paul siphons off of the excess energy leaking out of Iris's ears (85 percent of loli characters are hyperactive, after all), which is still enough to make him defy gravity and, indeed, the very laws of physics themselves.
[Sakura]
It's the same for me, but everyone lives in this theater together.
[Ogami]
So this will be my room starting from today...
[Ogami]
Now then... I'll get changed real quickly, so could you wait for me?
[Sakura]
Got it. Iris, let's wait outside of his room.
[Iris]
Okay! Alright, we'll be waiting, so hurry up and change!
Hey, not a bad place. I guess the theater's really raking it in.
Unbeknownst to Ogami, however, his real test of courage begins in this humble-looking room. Here, his qualification as the captain of the Imperial Assault Force will be tested. During the next few heart-pounding, adrenaline-surging minutes, Ogami's military career could be boosted into the stratosphere, or ended before it could even start. He could go up into that big metaphorical spaceship and kill demons, or he could "are the demons" and "became a zombie." It is the one mission that he MUST succeed in.
While the game does not bill this next scene as such, it is the first chapter's true boss battle, using the Double LIPS system, which tests whether or not the main character can correctly clear a series of timed questions under a separate, overarching timer.
Ichiro Ogami: FIRST MISSION--
CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.
---
Ogami gets off to a good start; this is too crucial of a mission, and the risks are too high. He cannot rush himself, for the consequences are steep.
So far so good, despite his tendency to describe his situation out loud for the sake of the Players, those beyond the fourth wall.
Now clothesless, Ogami's brain cells fire off at lightning-fast speeds as he considers his options. He waits.
A few seconds later, a third option slams into his head like a ton of bricks, something that ascends the issue of Shirt First vs. Necktie First.
He echoes the words of his ancient graying mentor, a wise sage sitting at the top of the mountain near his hometown. Just as destiny intended.
Task completed, Ogami does not allow himself to get so caught up in his euphoric success that he strays from his true mission. The shirt, the necktie, and even the vest are remembered.
Ogami unerringly sticks to the clothes-changing methodology that he had coldly calculated as giving him the greatest chance of success and victory. Truly, a man able to think under fire.
Unexpectedly, tragedy strikes.
----
Thanks to Ogami's astounding powers of perception, the potentially career-ending oversight is narrowly averted at the last minute. Hang in there!
Aware that the timer is ticking down, Ogami, with the speed of a man possessed, throws out his careful plans and works off the top of his head.
He just barely gets his pants back on, and in record time.
For a moment, Ogami stood there in surprised shock. His shirt was tucked in, his necktie was perfectly tied, his vest was spotless, and his pants were ON- and were quite cozy against his legs, to boot.
Against insurmountable odds, he'd emerged victorious where countless others before him had fallen. Overjoyed, Ogami reached over to the door.
A mysterious force stayed his hand for a few, crucial seconds.
There it was. The coup de grace on Ogami's first mission, the most hellish mission ever devised by mankind.
----
And just like that, it was over.
[Sakura]
I-Iris... it's rude to barge in on your own! Ohohoho... I'm sorry.
They were stunned, not having expected him to succeed.
[Sakura]
The naval ensign's uniform suited you well, but... these clothes are also... wonderful.
Stunned, and... impressed.
[Iris]
Ah! You folded your clothes neatly! Oniichan, very good!
[Sakura]
As expected of someone who graduated from the naval academy at the top of their class. I should follow your example.
[Ogami]
Hahah... thanks. Here, let's get going.
He deserves it. He changed his clothes. PROPERLY.
[Iris]
Yaaay, let's go, let's go~! Iris'll lead you! Everyone hold hands and let's go!
[Sakura]
Hehehe... that Iris, she's gone off skipping. Now, Ogami-san...
The hand-holding was not optional, but in the face of his victory, Ogami was graciously willing to make an exception... this time.
[Ogami]
Aah.... I'll leave it up to you.
"We're making things turn in 3D and 4D!"
~Mutsuki Uehara, on the subject of technology.
Just watch as it turns out that Iris rips out the souls of men on a regular basis so that she can cram them into her little Jean-Paul. You know, to keep him afloat.
AND OGAMI'S NEXT
[Ogami]
I see. Thanks for showing me the way.
[Iris]
Oniichan, the scissors are in this desk! Hey, Sakura, let's go!
[Sakura]
You're right, Iris. Ogami-san, we've got rehearsal, so... please excuse us.
[Ogami]
Ah... both of you, wait a second...
Ye gods, man, don't ask something like "what do you mean by scissors?" or "what should I be doing"?"!! When you go on that running-with-scissors spree that you'd always wanted to embark on, you might be able to get away scott-free by blaming them for not telling you what it is you SHOULD be doing with those scissors!
Naturally, then, I go for the third choice.
[Ogami]
Both of you, good luck with rehearsal! ... though I don't know WHAT rehearsal.
[Iris]
Thank you, Oniichan. You can come watch after you're done!
[Sakura]
Now then, good luck with your ticket-taking work too, Ogami-san!
Whaaa? He's not even equipped to CLIP tickets--
Damn. Looks like they got the memo before we could.
[Sakura]
Ah... Iris. We should be going to rehearsal now...
[Iris]
You're right. Okay Oniichan, bye-bye!
[Ogami]
.... they left.
----
[Ogami]
Hey, hold up, NO one calls me Oniichan and lives to tell the tale.
[Customer]
But that little girl was ju-
[Ogami]
I'M WORKING ON IT, 'KAY
----
[Ogami]
Wh, what are you guys talking about. I'm not a ticket-taker!
[Customer]
But that's the uniform of the person in charge of clipping tickets. You're even holding scissors.
[Ogami]
Wha?! But then... does this mean that my secret mission is...
[Ogami]
Supposed to be clipping tickets?! Tha, that's impossible!
This is when you should go insane, jam your pair of scissors halfway through someone's skull, murder your superior, and run out the building, screaming at passerby in a mad rage until the authorities take you in.
You wuss, don't sit there and look all happy about it.
[Ogami]
Y, yes. Um... where should I use the scissors to cut?
----
[Ogami]
... so, is THAT where I'm supposed to use the scissors to cut?
[Customer]
AUGH! YOU CUT OFF MY FINGERS!! OH, GOD, MY STUMPS ARE BLEEDING OUT THE CONTENTS OF MY ENTIRE BODY!!
[Ogami]
You're not answering my question.
----
[Customer]
What the heck, bro, you're a newbie? Really, you're wasting all of our time.
[Ogami]
Y, yes! Please wait just a moment!
[Ogami]
(.... wasn't my mission supposed to be as the captain of a secret brigade?)
[Ogami]
Sir! I might be clipping tickets at the moment, but in truth...
... you're an imbecile who can't remember the meaning of 'secret brigade' without divine intervention.
[Ogami]
(Oh no! The Imperial Assault Force is a secret brigade... I can't release its name!)
[Ogami]
I might be clipping tickets at the moment, but in truth... yeah, I'm a ticket-clipper after all.
[Customer]
Sir, are you alright?!
I think the answer is pretty obvious when a man starts ranting like that, yes.
[Customer]
Ah! It's almost time! The Flower Division's performance is about to begin!!
[Ogami]
(She said "Flower Division"... why would a civilian know the name of a secret brigade...)
Oh, sure, it's going GREAT. Watch your step, the fragments of my shattered dreams scattered around my feet can be pretty sharp.
[Iris]
Oniichan! Are you working hard?
[Ogami]
Sakura and Iris, huh. This is my first time as something like a ticket-taker, so it's not going too well...
[Sakura]
If it's alright with you... shall we teach you how to clip the tickets?
[Ogami]
(Well, hmm... I've become a bit used to clipping the tickets, but...)
----
[Ogami]
(... I'm still pretty bad at cutting around peoples' fingers and hitting major arteries, so...)
----
[Ogami]
Okay, Sakura-kun, Iris. If you please.
They'll probably teach you even if you DON'T please.
Don't you have some OTHER older men to harrass?
[Sakura]
The foundation of clipping tickets would be to keep a reasonable tempo while still cutting them well.
If you don't, you'll end up making the customers wait.
[Ogami]
I see... that does make sense.
[Iris]
Ah, here are some more guests. See... Oniichan, do your best!
[Ogami]
Um... so I have to keep a tempo while punching the tickets...
Here we have Analog LIPS, where you're given a short amount of time to punch in a combination of button presses.
----
Ogami gets pretty hot-blooded about this kind of thing.
YEAH, I SURE SHOWED THAT TICKET WHO'S THE MASTER OF THIS HOUSE.
Okay, so it's probably the government's house, but shut up. 
----
It's a required course at the naval academy.
[Iris]
Ah... this next customer probably wants to go to the second floor! When that happens...
[Sakura]
Double-check the ticket's contents, and make sure that you change where you cut with the scissors.
Please look at the round holes on the ticket, move the scissors, and cut.
And cut... and cut... and cut... and cut......
[Ogami]
Got it. I'll give it a try.
Pardon me, sir, it'll be just a moment.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH 
[Iris]
You're so good that there's nothing left for Iris to teach you.
[Ogami]
No, it's thanks to how you guys taught me. Both of you, thank you.
It's a fairly repetitive job. It's not exactly rocket science.
[Iris]
Iris will help too!! Onichan, bye-bye! Good luck with the ticket-taking, okay!!
[Ogami]
Ah, thank you. I'll try to do my best.
Nevermind about the whole defending-the-world-from-demonic-forces thing, we got time.
[Ogami]
Ah, I'm sorry. Where are those scissors... here you go.
----
THUNK.
[Customer]
Gghkk... m... my chest... cavity....
[Ogami]
Ne~xt!
----
[Customer]
Um... would you happen to like Sumire Kanzaki-san?
Just nod and smile. I really don't want to have to deal with a fanboy going into NERD RAGE and screaming about all of Sumire's perfections. My shift ends in five minutes.
Somehow managing to keep a straight face, Ogami throws in some embellishment for increased believability.
[Smitten Fan]
Eh? You've had opportunities to speak with her?! I'm so envious...
That's right! Um... could you please give this letter to Sumire-san?
NO, FAGGORT, I'M NOT YOUR FETCH QUEST BOY-
Ow, right in my Story Items pouch. Can't get it out. :/
[Smitten Fan]
All you need to say to her is that it's from a passionate fan. Please?
[Ogami]
R, right... I got it.
I dunno... ink? Maybe a little anthrax, if he decided to dip into the bin of outdated jokes.
[Ogami]
O, okay. Um... I wonder how I should clip a children's ticket?
[Bratty Kid]
Ah, this guy's a newbie! You don't even know how to cut a ticket?
----
[Ogami]
Oh, ha ha, silly me, I remember now. You cut HERE--
[Bratty Kid]
OW, MY EYES!!
[Ogami]
-- then, you slice DOWN AND ACROSS--
[Bratty Kid]
AAAUGH, CHEEKBONES--
[Ogami]
-- and you follow the holes all the way around until you pull out the skull--
[Bratty Kid]
THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!!
----
[Ogami]
Urgh...
See that? That's Ogami's pure, unbridled rage, just waiting to be unleashed upon the world. There's no telling WHAT he'll do if he snaps.
That... that's sort of underwhelming.
Guess we'll hold it in.
[Bratty Kid]
Keep it up just like that.
*snap* AARRRGHH!!!
... she said warningly, coolly ignoring the piles of mutilated, scissored bodies heaped under Ogami's desk.
... he managed, trying his best to ignore the loaded, cocked pistol that Maria had jammed into his crotch.
... he exclaimed, impressed by how Maria was handling the murder situation.
... she replied calmly, dipping her finger in Ogami's pooling blood and daintily writing her name on the hankerchief.
... he chortled, clutching the crimson hankerchief to his chest and running away from the scene of the crime(s).
... he wheezed, bleeding out his guts.
... she quipped dryly, before turning and walking into the setting sun.
~FIN
.... everything? Undercover secret brigade, man. You're not going to be doing AWESOME MILITARY STUFF every minute you're here, there's still a damn theater that needs to be run.
[Ogami]
... all right. If it comes down to this, I'll go ask the brigade members. I might end up learning something.
More than you ever wanted to know about their personal lives, perhaps.
[Ogami]
And if they can't convince me, then I'll even go question General Yoneda!
*LIGHTNING FLASH, DRAMATIC CHORDS*
[Ogami]
Okay... might as well get going.
[???]
Hello? Excuse me~.
[Ogami]
Y, yes. What is it?
[Tsubaki]
My name is Tsubaki Takamura. At the gift shop, I'm always the salesgirl.
[Ogami]
Miss... Tsubaki, is it?
[Tsubaki]
I've always got things like bromides of the group members, so please come by and visit anytime!
This is no exaggeration. She tends to be around well after the theater should be closed, for no discernable reason whatsoever.
[Ogami]
Alright... might as well get going. Let's go talk to General Yoneda!
*LIGHTNING FLASH, DRAMATIC CHORDS*
(continued in part two).
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