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Right, the start-of-chapter rankings go a little something like...
... this. Everyone is full of spirit and vitality and, most importantly, feelings of goodwill towards Ogami, save for Kohran and Iris. The former apparently doesn't give half a rat's ass, while Iris... well, Ogami is clearly doing it wrong.
I'm sure most of you out there would agree that as a result, he's doing it right.
In a certain year, on a certain month, on a certain day, at a certain place hidden under a certain city, it was a certainty that certain demonic individuals were certainly cooking up a certain plan for certain purposes.
[Tenkai]
There remain only two of the Four Death Emperors... how disappointing.
[Miroku]
O, our humblest apologies...
[Satan]
...
[Tenkai]
However, I have but one objective! The completion of the 'Roku-Hassei Kouma-Jin!!' We must not fear making sacrifices!!
[Miroku]
Yes...
[Tenkai]
Tear apart, O Heaven! Shatter, O Earth! Tens of thousands of tears of the river, hundreds of millions of oceans of blood, all will become our strength!
Go forth, Miroku! Satan!!
----
[Miroku]
Why the hell do you have that shit-eating grin on your face, and what the hell have you been DOING for the past eight hours of this meeting with your eyes shut?
[Satan]
Shut up, I'm imagining you without any clothes on.
[Miroku]
... leaving that aside, why the hell are you not volunteering to, you know, help me carry out a plan that could very well spell the end of humanity as we know it?
[Satan]
Whoops, and there you go, having an attack of the uncontrollable-jumping-onto-the-conveniently-placed-trampoline.
[Miroku]
Satan, can't you just--
[Satan]
Bouncy.
[Miroku]
Alright, you know what? Screw this, I'll just go by m--
[Satan]
Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy.
[Miroku]
See you later, Satan. And whatever you do, try NOT to imagine Lord Tenkai in the nude.
[Satan]
...
[Satan]
Oh god damn it.
----
----
----
----
[Wakiji]
...
[Miroku]
Wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for you.
[Wakiji]
...
[Miroku]
What the hell do you mean by 'you can wipe that smirk off my face any day of the week, baby'!? ... god, I bet the Flower Division doesn't have to put up with this shit.
----
[Miroku]
I had thought it to be simply an abandoned mansion, but... this spiritual energy... we cannot treat it lightly.
... it cannot be helped. First, sealing these grounds-- that abandoned mansion-- takes priority...
[---]
(Thirty-Six Hours Later - Grand Imperial Theater)
Just like it was yesterday, the Grand Imperial Theater is not on fire, shattered into a pile of toothpicks, or converted into some kind of giant soulless alien overmind that runs on the life force of human beings. But it's only a matter of time.
Business as usual.
Except for this totally awesome performance of Journey to the West, fuck yeah!
[Kanna]
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! You monstrous apparition from any time and any place!
To have bared your teeth at I, Priest Sanzou's number one apprentice! Lord Son Goku! You~ have certainly got some guts.
I'll end this quickly and send you to the Buddhist Paradise, so you should-a be thankful!!
[Sumire]
Hah! You do not know your own place, you rock monkey! My current guise is one of love and beauty!
I, the Demon Woman, shall personally, hah, DEMONICALLY send you straight to Hell! Oh hoh hoh, oh-hoh~!!
It was just so bad that the audience had to laugh.
[Ogami]
Kanna's Son Goku is great, and Sumire-kun's Demon Woman is great... they're picture-perfect.
[Iris]
But afterwards, Sumire will definitely say something like 'Why must I play the villain!?', I bet~.
[Sakura]
Heheh, she certainly will.
----
[Iris]
And then she'll kick Oniichan inna rocks so hard that he won't ever be able to make babies ever again and lock herself in her trailer! Just like last week.
[Ogami]
... please don't remind me. I could feel that kick through my protector.
[Sakura]
Ogami-san, you wear a, uh, a thing over your... your thing?
[Ogami]
If I didn't, I'd have started singing in falsetto MONTHS ago.
[Kohran]
Ya still DO, Ogami-han. Like, whenever one o' us freaks ya out, or--
[Ogami]
I meant ALL THE TIME, Kohran.
[Kohran]
Aren't we freakin' ya out most of th' time anyway, though?
[Ogami]
Well... well, yes, but I'd rather not have my psychological emasculation turn PHYSICAL.
[Kohran]
What's th' use? It's not like you're gonna live long enough t' make babies. So why not just--
[Ogami]
No, Kohran, I will not donate my family jewels to you in the name of science.
[Kohran]
Not even one tes--
[Ogami]
NO. And I had BETTER not wake up in a tub full of ice with any body parts missing. Again. Or I shall be quite put off.
[Kohran]
Man, people here're so testy 'bout their kidneys nowadays.
----
[Sumire]
What! You big, stupid ape!!
[Kanna]
Ah!?
[Sumire]
Hyieeeeeeeeeeeeh!?
... (thud).....
----
Once again, the audience laughs as Sumire comes perilously close to breaking her nose.
[Iris]
Ohshi....
[Sumire]
Just what are you doing!? Will you please play your part properly!?
[Kanna]
What'd you say!? How about YOU start getting it right!! You rotten old hag!!
[Sumire]
What was that! You dumb ape! Idiot! It's a duel!
[Kanna]
Oh-ho! That's great! Bring it on!
And because the Imperial Capital appears to be quite similar to Ankh-Morpork-- that is to say, every citizen enjoys a good, rollicking show, it's a bonus if there's violence-- the audience laughs and sticks around as two of the theater's most frighteningly stubborn women start duking it out.
That day, the stage ran red with blood.
[Sumire]
.......
[Kanna]
.......
[Sakura]
Ah, Ogami-san... those two have been like that ever since the play ended...
It feels like it's surely going to go critical any moment! Ogami-san! Please do something!
...
...
...
[Sakura]
Ogami-san! Where are you going?
Please do something to stop these two from fighting!
[Ogami]
Even if you say that, man...
----
[Ogami]
YOU saw the moves they were throwing out there! Face-scratching! Headbutting! Knees to the stomach! Lariat punches! German suplexing! It was a no-holds barred scrapfest!!
[Sakura]
Well, if you can calm them down quickly enough--
[Ogami]
-- that was BEFORE they got angry!! Their only two settings right now are 'kill' or 'maim,' for crying out loud! YOU go do this!
[Sakura]
What-- no!! I'd have to cut them both down without mercy and totally in self-defense, and it's nothing to do with the fact that they are totally moving in on the man who just so happens to be the center of my universe!!
[Ogami]
... n-nevermind, I'LL do this.
----
Glancing at Sumire...
[Ogami]
(Whew, that's a huge black eye... did they really go that far?)
... and at Kanna...
[Ogami]
(Oh, man... she looks really mad!)
[Ogami]
(Just because both of them are so strong-willed, solving this is going to be an uphill battle...)
[Ogami]
(After going up against Kanna, it's amazing that Sumire-kun isn't dead.)
----
[Ogami]
(... well, I've got to try SOMETHING before they snap and kill all of us in the process of killing each other.)
[Ogami]
Su-
----
[Sumire]
What is it, Ensign? I am extraordinarily irritated at the moment!
----
[Ogami]
Yes'm.
[Ogami]
... Ka--
----
[Kanna]
Shaddup, Captain! I'm really ticked off right now! Could you not talk to me!
----
[Ogami]
Su--
----
[Sumire]
The reason that I am angry is thanks to a certain ape-woman!
[Kanna]
What was that! You dolly girl!
[Sumire]
What did you say~!?
----
[Ogami]
K--
----
[Kanna]
It's because of this fancy-pants girl that it all turned into a farce!
[Sumire]
That is MY line! You musclebound amazon!
[Kanna]
What'd you say, you flouncy peacock!!
[Sumire]
The point is that you should not keep up your mad, wild acting!
... thanks to that, my perfect performance was utterly ruined!
[Kanna]
Heh, don't make me laugh! Just how many times have you tripped over your own clothing, now?
It looks like you've taken to slamming your face to the ground!
[Sumire]
Kiiiiiiiii~~! How dare you!!
[Kanna]
That's a riot! Do you wanna go another round!?
[Iris]
Aa~aah, I wonder how long this will keep going?
[Kohran]
They really should've knocked this off by now.
[Sakura]
Ogami-san... can't you do something?
----
[Ogami]
If I could interrupt them with any word larger than one syllable, I would have done it by now. So you know what?
----
----
[Ogami]
FUCK IT.
----
[Ogami]
Awright, you two! Take this opportunity and just go at each other!!
[Sakura]
Ogami-san! What are you saying!?
[Ogami]
Well, I mean, it'd be better if they take this opportunity and just tell each other what they want to say.
[Sakura]
Asking for something like THAT is absurd!
----
[Ogami]
No, it's SMART, because when Commander Yoneda and/or Maria ask me why this room is wall-to-wall with blood, then I can tell them quite truthfully that I ASKED them to work out their differences, and that I simply left it to Kanna and Sumire-kun to choose HOW to go about doing so.
[Sakura]
Couldn't you have at least told them NOT to kill each other?
[Ogami]
The downside to your way of thinking is that I would be irrevocably dead if I tried to get in their way.
----
[Kohran]
No, I'm of th' same opinion as Ogami-han. With machines, too, ya need t' just let them go full throttle sometimes.
It'd be good if we let Sumire-han an' Kanna-han also cut loose, every now and then.
[Iris]
Last time, Iris also went into the city and went full throttle, too~!
[Sakura]
That's just called organized destruction! Iris, you can't go destroying the city a second time!
[Iris]
... oka~y.
----
[Ogami]
... please tell me that the above conversation did not just take place.
[Iris]
You can take the little girl away from the psychotically destructive urges, but you can't take the psychotically destructive urges away from the little girl, Oniichan!
----
[Sakura]
Ah... Maria-san.
[Maria]
Sumire, Kanna, please knock this off!! How much longer are you going to fight!
[Maria]
... Captain, please say something, too.
[Ogami]
Ah... er... um, everyone, let's stop fighting.
[Kohran]
Th' heck is that!? Even IRIS could come up wit' that kinda line!
[Iris]
Iris hates fighting!
[Kohran]
See that? She jes' did.
[Ogami]
Maria...
[Sakura]
Anyway, Maria-san. Didn't you have something you needed to tell us?
[Ogami]
Commander Yoneda does?
----
[Ogami]
He didn't add anything like 'naked' or 'dead' or 'making out' to the end of that sentence, did he?
[Maria]
Not this time, no. He was sober.
[Ogami]
Isn't he usually piss-drunk by this time of day?
[Maria]
A few quick bullets to the bottle in of his hand and the glasses from his face ensured that he became sober, Captain.
[Ogami]
... good work, Maria--
[Maria]
And a few shots to his liver.
[Ogami]
Well, I'm pretty sure that he wasn't using it anyway.
----
[Kohran]
What's this all about, all o' a sudden?
[Maria]
I don't know... I do not know of the details, as well.
Since the performance only just ended, I'm sure that everyone has things that they need to do, so...
After a little bit of time, please come to the Command Room. ... would that be fine?
[Sakura]
Yes!
[Kanna]
... I'll go down after I change in my room.
[Sumire]
I shall, as well... but would those tattered clothes not suit you better?
[Kanna]
What'd you say~!?
That's when Ogami knew that this was going to be the longest day of his life.
What he DIDN'T know was that tomorrow was not going to be much different.
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